2016 Week 1

Finally. After long months, our long national nightmare is over and the NFL reigns supreme over our lives once again. With the return of football comes the agonizing over your favorite team's contest, warring with the desire that your fantasy teams do well. Individuals may choose to avoid such conflicts of interest, or instead embrace and accept the fact that oft times one finds oneself rooting against one's favorite team. To put it simply: 




I must apologize for the tardiness of this week's article. A severe thunderstorm knocked out internet service to my apartment complex, and some of the scatological references contained herein were not appropriate to look up on a public, university provided computer. But now, for that moment you've all been waiting for: 

TO THE RECAP! 



Week 1

The Snicklefitzmeister vs What can Brown do for me? 



Tyler sucks at fantasy football. He is on a two game (cross-season) losing streak, and should probably just pack it in and not adjust his lineup for the rest of the year. His team performed admirably and in fact would have beaten every single PCOG team this week, except the one that he was actually matched up against. Luck was in the air when he wasn't reduced to a grease spot on the Lion's home turf, racking up 37.3 FPTS. TJ Yeldon took advantage of Chris Ivory's sudden and mysterious hospitalization to punch in a short yardage score against the Pack. Larry Fitzgerald was a full grown man in a valiant effort against the Brady-less Pats, with his 24.1 FPTS setting the standard for the Week 1 PCOG FLEX position. He wisely streamed a D/ST (the Iggles) against the hapless Browns. About the only player to not seriously cash in this week was Brandon Marshall, who always starts the season slow. Allow this nugget of wisdom to soothe your aggrieved heart against the vagaries of fickle Fantasy 



Fatherhood agrees with Bryan. Perhaps it is the new responsibility of shepherding a innocent, fragile life through what promises to be a loving future. Perhaps time spent in a pediatrician's waiting room lent itself to FF research or mock drafting. Whatever the reason is, wow. Bryan fully leveraged the short term tendencies of NFL front offices in their approach to that most short lived of positions, RB. Perhaps his ball carrying behemoths will not trample opposition all 16 weeks of the season, as their respective front runners are due back within the month. But until that day comes, you had better ride Spencer Ware and DeAngelo Williams. 73.8 combined FPTS easily bested any other team's production at the position. Cam Newton is treated as an RB by the league's referees 




yet still tallied 22.4 FPTS. Formerly Orange Julius reverted back to his red zone patrolling ways, lancing in for a quick score against GB. There were a pair of disappointments but they were overshadowed by Hingle McCringleberry 




I mean Antonio Brown 




Everyone knows that more than two pumps earns you the flag. It is being erroneously reported that he was "twerking", when in fact it was clearly an homage to that dearly departed show. Either way he garnered 29.6 FPTS and put the pussy on the chainwax. 




Final Score: Tyler 147.3 (0-1) Bryan 174.6 (1-0)

Cheese Heads vs TaubenTime 2.0 

Shirtless Josh began his defense of the Chopper 




against the 2015 winner, A-A-ron. His back to back effort commenced with a meh effort by the best D/ST from last year, the Denver Broncos. They only totaled 6 measly FPTS on 2016's opening night, but this did not bring the former FNG down. Ben Rapistburger torched the Washington Racists' defense repeatedly Monday Night and totaled 23.6 FPTS. Donte Moncrief just might be the Colt's WR to own this year; and he and new Lion Marvin Jones helped to contribute to the track meet in the Motor City. Speaking of track meets, nary a defense was to be found in NOLA as the Saints and Raiders squared off. Latavius Murray punched it in but was outclassed by Brandin Cooks' devastation of the Raiders secondary. This long score was the longest in Saints history. He is still running. 



A-A-Ron's fantasy hopes ran aground against the rocky shores of injury and ineptitude this week. Adrian Peterson once again started the year off with a whimper instead of a bang, earning only 31 yards on 19 carries. Sammy Watkins' foot has been a red flag since the day he left Clemson in a blaze of underachieving Tiger football. The Cardinals D/ST had a dream matchup, deployed against a Brady-less, Gronk-less, and light on the O-Line New England team, but could only deliver 7 paltry points. Señor Rios was hamstrung when Keenan Allen tragically went down with a non-contact ACL tear. Ancient Frank Gore was somewhat of a bright spot, contributing 13.3 FPTS from the FLEX position. All in all, a near TRADITION!! (margin of victory 50+ FPTS) day to forget for Porkchop and Olive's dad. Welcome back to the East Coast cuz! 

Final Score: Aaron 97.3 (0-1) Josh 141.9

Broncos Glue Factory vs Publix Enemy PE 16 

Jeremy, FNGuy and home for once and future Cowboy's RBs, welcome to the PCOG. I write these articles as a labor of love, carrying on a tradition from the first year of the PCOG when I (as one of only two members in a ten team league who had any FF experience at all) started 0-7 and making dick related football jokes at the expense of my beloved friends was the only thing that kept me interested in the week to week goings on in the PCOG. I try and include at least one related game highlight, FF meme or funny gif in each owner's section of the recap. Usually this weekly football edition of Dr Zhivago comes out on Tuesdays, but life and atmospheric electrical discharges got in the way. Hope you have a thick skin bud. 

Wow, who invited this loser? Who starts Dez Bryant against an All-Star Giants secondary when he relies on a fourth round Rookie QB in his first NFL start to deliver the inevitably overthrown ball. Probably the same guy who felt that a rare Green Bay free agent (TE Jared Cook) would perform well in a hugely complex passing attack that takes years to learn. Have fun chasing Jameis' bench riding performance over the next month as he struggles against top level defenses. DeMarco Murray had a good game against a stout defense, and Ezekiel Elliot was disappointing as a bell cow back in his Dallas debut. Rashad Jennings embarked on his yearly race against the injury bug, while also bowling over outmatched Cowboys tacklers. 

Seriously, nice effort to get the score 


Speaking of scoring in that game, Minnesota's defense contributed two scoop and scores against the putrid Titans. This poor decision helped to contribute to Eric Kendricks' Defensive Player of the Week award. 



Troy relied on a triple pack of high scoring RBs, with David Johnson, LeSean McCoy and Ameer Abdullah scoring a combined 67.7 FPTS. With this week's injury news, your work is not yet complete. Sammy Watkins' (Tyrod's #1 target) foot is made of glass and glass is made of Jordan Reed's lower body. Have fun scouring the waiver wire for suitable replacements. Dan Bailey's thunderous right leg contributed 17 FPTS on four FGs (two of over 50 yards) and single extra point. He is my favorite kicker! 

Final Score: FNGuy 109.5 (0-1) Troy 135.2 (1-0)

Funkin New Girl vs Baltimore Blitz 

Kia, all of the stuff I wrote to Jeremy half applies to you, as you read all of my articles last year as the brains behind Troy's almost SACKO earning performance. If you need a wedding cake cupcake tester/ uninvolved dog sitter, you have my number. 

This performance was so mediocre 




it is barely worth excoriating. Doug Baldwin continued his touchdown scoring ways from the second half of last year in a very boring game. Alshon Jeffery is good when he actually plays, have fun finding a last minute soft tissue issue related replacement around 9 times this year. Devonta Freeman, a flash in the pan from last season, may have won Shirtless Josh a championship but wilted in the illegally amplified crowd noise in Atlanta. Delanie Walker will spend 99% of his time run blocking this year in the "Exotic Smashmouth" 

[image]http://img.pandawhale.com/117248-dr-evil-air-quotes-gif-Imgur-l-Tk6R.gif/image] 

offense that will earn two Tennessee victories and zero Music City Miracles. Carson Palmer looks to be suffering from classic Delhomme Syndrome, typified by tossing innumerable interceptions in an NFC Championship game and being stuck in a rut for all of the next season. Mark Ingram is pretty good, but his ankles/shoulders/overall HP has a shelf life shorter than grocery food sushi. 




Graham Cracker's move to Winterfell, capital of the North, reflects his choice of team name. I think. Who really knows with this kid. Speaking of poor decisions, Gary Barnidge collected 0 FPTS on none yards from no catches. Understandable though, as he was relying on RGKnee to deliver ducks while unsuccessfully dodging coracoid crunching pass rushers in the form of Fletcher Cox. He was the one who ended Tony's season last year, so I feel your pain. 



On the positive side, another man's recent move north worked out well for you. I certainly thought Matt Forte (23.5 FPTS) was donezo after a decade of hard work for the Chicago Bears. Chan Gailey is an offensive wizard though and will keep his new Jet fueled up with passes out of the backfield and absolutely no goal line rushing attempts. His replacement in the Windy City scored 17.6 FPTS despite his QB being Jay Cutler. A-A-Ron Rodgers 




didn't blow the roof off of the Jaguars but did make yet another pinpoint accurate TD pass with a defender draped all over him. The Jets D/ST totaled 7 sacks against the Bengals but somehow only 12 points. Congratulations on a victory that would not have beat any other Week 1 PCOG winner. 

Final Score FNGirl 109.2 (0-1) Graham 118.5 (1-0)

SCLSU Mud Dogs vs Perpetuating Dumpster Fire
GAME OF THE WEEK 

Hi, I'm Andy Hutton, Commissioner of the PCOG and RB enthusiast. From time to time, my devotion to this position ensures that my lineup is an infuriating Gordian Knot of football fortune telling and pigskin prognostication. 




Speaking of Gordon, his 21.2 FPTS withered on the vine of my bench as he punched in two scores, or two more than his total touchdown tally from all of the 2015 season. I also had Isaiah Crowell, he of the politically incorrect police depictions on social media. His 17.8 FPTS helped neither the Browns or the Mud Dogs to a victory in the opening stanza of the season as he too rusted away on reserve. Who did I choose to play? GIOVANNI TAPIOCA BERNARD, WHO COULD NOT OUTRUN A PATHETIC JETS LINEBACKING CORPS EVEN THOUGH HE IS AN ATHLETIC SPECIMEN. Not even AJ Green's otherworldy destruction of the island formerly known as Revis could rescue my idiotic decision making. 




Seth rolled out the best QB performance of the week, personified by Drew Brees' strafing of the Raiders already shown in that Cooks highlight. 423 PAYDS, 4 TDS and one fumble netted 37.4 big FPTS. Formerly Fat and now merely Festive Eddie Lacy contributed 11.8 FPTS, and Darth Belicheck's 




Human Victory Cigar (AKA LeGarrette Blount) flattened the Cards by sheer dint of will. Arian Foster had a good performance in a terrible matchup, enjoy it while it and his health lasts. Speaking of health, Demaryius Thomas tweaked a hip in the course of beating the Panthers Thursday night, and I just happen to own his handcuff for the discerning and forward looking fantasy owner. 

Game of the Week's Margin of Victory: 8.1 FPTS, or .3820754716981132 Melvin Gordons

Andy 117.9 (0-1) Seth 126 (1-0)

The Cursed One vs Big Gurleys Don't Cry 

Jordan turned her #1 draft value into the lowest scoring output of the week. Todd Gurley is a superhuman beast, capable of leaping tall buildings in a single, All American hurdle. Unfortunately even his blazing speed is capable of outrunning the LA Lams offensive putridity. 




CJ Anderson's 32.9 FPTS in the Super Bowl rematch certainly put Harris behind the 8 ball as the final whistle echoed across Mile High Field. But losing your primary receiver 1.7 quarters into the season is a devastating blow. To top it all off, Russell Wilson got stomped on by a boy named Suh and may miss several weeks with an ankle. 



Jared cashed in on SEC West Alumni torching the league this week. Now the sole Manning, Eli had a modest passing day in Big D. Amari Cooper is still catching rockets from the right cannon of Derek Carr, snagging 6 balls for 137 yards. Carlos Hyde AND Ryan Matthews avoided injury snake eyes for now, while rushing for a combined 47.3 FPTS. As a victim of Hyde's patented Week 1 amazing effort in the past, all I can say is good luck with that walking wounded player. Continuing the medical theme, it is past time to rip off the Band-Aid that is the concept that Jordan Cameron will ever do anything in Miami. 




Final Score: Jordan 84.2 (0-1) Jared 129.9 (1-0) 

Week 2 Preview 
Jared (1-0) vs Andy (0-1) 
Graham (1-0) vs Seth (1-0) 
Jordan (0-1) vs Josh (1-0) 
Tyler (0-1)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! vs Jeremy (0-1) 
Bryan (1-0) vs Aaron (0-1) 
The honeymoon is over: Troy (1-0) vs Kia (0-1) 

You have already completed your waiver wire pickups, so send me stupid trade offers. One thing we can all agree on is GO NEERS! as Black Saturday happens this weekend against the U. 

2016 Draft Recap

2016 Draft Review

Welcome to the 2016 Porkchop Ownership Group Season! It appears that the automated draft rankings have gone the way of Peyton Manning and been retired this season. Instead of a meaningless letter grade representing how individual teams did the opening night of the season, you dear readers




will instead have to deal with the incoherent post beer-pong ramblings of your unelected, overly verbose and terrifyingly committed PCOG Commissioner Andy Hutton. So sit back and enjoy this entirely meaningless rambling about an activity that went very well for some and pants shittingly poorly for others.

But first, introductions must be made. Two new entrants to the PCOG grace us in the the fourth iteration of our fantasy league. Kia Creamer, FNG, and the brains behind the 5-8 finish of her new almost new husband last year, joins us as a full fledged member. She is of course a wedding-cake cupcake connoisseur of note and a wonderful human being. Troy and the PCOG as a whole are lucky to have her in our midst




Also, and at graciously at the last minute, is Jeremy Williams, FNG. He is also known as Bryan's first ASU roommate and Godfather to little Chalupa Batman




Jeremy is a smart, dedicated football fan as shown by his selecting of most of my targets in the draft. I am sure that all of you will join me in welcoming the two FNGs and wishing them death and destruction in the upcoming season. To the Recap!

 

http://games.espn.com/ffl/tools/draftrecap?leagueId=53884

Rounds 1-4

The first pick of course went to Jordan, as reward for her last place finish and byproduct of her defense of the first back-to-back SACKO trophy. With Gurley off the board the draft started in earnest, after a slight two minute asshole related delay by my dear brother. Using the full two minutes for the consensus #1 player in fantasy football is not cool.

 

The first round passed in a predictable manner, with 6 running backs and 6 wide receivers each being selected. My own hopes were crushed when Jeremy selected Ezekiel Elliot before I was able to. This shameful example of malfeasance and skullduggery really disappointed me, and once again the PCOG will not be a keeper league because my favorite young running back is not safely ensconced on my roster.

The second round continued the run on WR/RB, with the lone exception being America's favorite meathead Gronk Robkowski going to our defending champion Shirtless Josh at #13. An interesting trend developed in young House Creamer (their words: Pound the Rock) as both bride and groom went with a FF strategy as old as time, back to back RB in the first two rounds. In an inverted track, Graham is on the cutting edge of current FF groupthink as shown by WR-WR selections.

Round three held several surprises. The first QB came off the board in the form of Cam Newton. There was one notable variance in collected 2016 ADP ( or average draft position, the collated results from drafts across the main FF sites) in the form of Jeremy's selection of one half of the "exotic smashmouth" offense in Demarco Murray. He is shown at #47 overall, yet was selected at #32 or 1+ rounds over the average. I'm sure this will work out for you Jeremy, based off of the collated offensive prowess that he and the Titans showed last year. This is a perfect example of one of my tenets of drafting: If you like a player, draft him and damn the consequences. (Round 3: 1QB, 5RB and 6WR)

Round 4 yielded several players of note. Two TEs had their name called, along with the first RB handcuff. Bryan wisely selected Deangelo Williams last year, only to trade him based on some spurious advice from one of his brothers. I assume that he will not make the same mistake this year, in accordance with the ridiculously high draft capital expended to secure him. Speaking of NFL players whose value is somewhat truncated for the 2016 season, Jordan picked Josh Gordon who is currently banned for the first four games of the season, and is one bong hit away from another year long timeout. Based on the clear levels of adult decision making skills and personal discipline he has shown in previous years, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about. (Round 4: 1QB, 2TE, 2.1875RB 5.75WR)

Rounds 5-6 are when desperation starts to rear it's ugly head. Some truly putrid selections were made. First and foremost among those regrettable decisions was one of mine. Melvin Gordon sucked out loud last year, despite a handoff being within the maximum effective range of one of Felipe Rios' feeble sidearmed deliveries. I can only hope that he will bounce back this year as he is currently my RB2. Jameis "This Aint Free Shoes University Anymore" Winston's selection is an awe inspiring disregard for ADP and visual evidence. Ryan Matthews, that bastion of health and production, being chosen by a team named "The Cursed One" does not augur well. Especially now that Chip Kelly's injury preventing shakes are no longer present in the Shitty of Brotherly Love. Speaking of quack science, Russell Wilson actively hawked a "concussion preventing" bubble water to the idiotic denizens of the Pacific Northwest. I can only assume that Jordan and Aaron's recent move back to the East Coast was an attempt to escape the overwhelming hordes of 12 year old Seahawk fans that plague the Left Coast from Vancouver to NorCal. Graham is relying on the hyper aggressive RGKnee to deliver ducks to Duke Johnson. Frank Gore is 67 years old.

Rounds 7-8 is evidently when the Fireball shots started to flow like water. Aaron selected a suspended NE QB for the second year in a row. Seth's "Theres (sic) always next year" chose Arian Foster. This is appropriate because he inevitably gets hurt and is reduced to rehabbing in the vain desire for one more year of NFL veteran minimum game checks. Speaking of oft injured and underutilized RBs, Kia chose Rashad Jennings. He will unerringly convert his 6 touches a game into one of a million debilitating soft tissue issues before the bye week. Two more mid round D/ST frittatas were served up by nose picking short order cooks. Tyler chose TJ Yeldon, the RB tha Jacksonville chooses to ignore in the red zone, right before I could snatch him up. PCOG members continued to select RB handcuffs for starters not on their roster.

Rounds 9-10: Subpar D/STs continue to fly off the board. I still do not have a QB or a TE. Reinforcing his collection of convalescent players, Seth selects a TE that won't see the field until the PCOG season is half over. I select a RB who looks up to Colin Kaepernick's current PR situation. Graham chooses the latest preseason all-star RB stuck in a committee. A kicker comes off the board, and I feel sanity leaking out of my ears. Jordan wonders whether Felipe can make Antonio Gates again.

Rounds 11-16 End of the bench players that will inevitably be cut and resigned 178343 times before Thursday are selected.

The 2016 PCOG season is upon us. Trading this year will be judged for fairness by Jonny MoCo. This will be the SOP for trading: Slap together an insulting offer, consisting of the dregs from your roster for what will surely be the star player from another's team. When the teams are satisfied with the terms of the deal, submit the proposal to me via text. I will forward the proposal to our Trade Czar who will undoubtedly ignore it in favor of watching commercials on wheels turn left for 97 hours in that week's NASCAR race. He will render judgement and I will enact it on the site, the players will swap teams after a 24 hour period.

Good luck to all of you. This is the highlight of my football watching season every yea

Quarter-Final Quandaries

First round playoff PCOG action ended last night with a highly entertaining game. Only one game in Week 14 was even close, and it was already decided by late Sunday night. Now two crowned division champs will emerge from their bye-week slumber to take on the victors from the championship bracket. The battered fallen from the championship bracket have had their title aspirations vanquished but still compete for position in the 2016 draft. The consolation bracket is a game of musical chairs, but the last one standing will be the 2015 SACKO. How did the games shake out this week? To the Recap!

 

Week 14 Recap

Championship Bracket

Yes We Cam Superman vs The Cursed One

Two founding members of PCOG squared off as the #4 seed Jared met #5 seed Jonny MoCo. Team Racers veered on and off the track during the course of the 2015 season, starting off with maintaining the PCOG tradition of the AutoDraft Fairy. His season was marked with a 4 game losing streak and a five game winning streak. On this particular weekend he rolled out a combo platter of studs and waiver wire hopefuls. Cam Newton, the probable NFL MVP, racked up 26.8 FPTS in only 3 quarters of play against the Flightless Falcons. Antonio Brown was tackled on the 1 yard line, setting up Jared's DeAngelo Williams for the easy vulture score.




(In a related note, FXX's The League has reached the end of the series. For all of you who don't watch the show, you are a shit sipping frittata. For those of you who do, I'm sure you would agree that this season was not the best but still had some good bits.)

 

Lamar Miller had 90 yards and two scores in the first half of the Monday Night Game, only to be promptly forgotten by the Dolphins' third offensive coordinator of the year. The big revelation (and the winning score) was Isaiah Crowell of the hapless Browns. 145 yards and two touchdowns on twenty carries is the result of a clever pickup and reading the matchup. It is strange that the SF D/ST's effectiveness is a trick of geography, as they have been putrid at home and rec-level on the road. Good luck rolling him out next week at Seattle.

Team Tracers benefited from the Steelers WR's inability to cash in and score, as he recorded two short touchdowns. 27.9 FPTS were seriously boosted by those red zone opportunities, as he only had 91 total yards on Sunday against Cincinnati. Ryan Tannehill just could not keep up with Mouthbreather Manning's torrid pace Monday night, and was only able to record 17.3 FPTS. Sammy Watkins continues to be the most criminally underused receiver in the league, but still managed 18 FPTS. Poop performances against primo matchups torpedoed any chance Harris had this week, as Megatron, Jeremy Hill and ASJ only combined for 11.9 FPTS. Harris goes back into the trash heap and Jonny advances against the Terminator in Week 15

Final Score: Jonny 121.1 (8-6) Jared 96.6 (7-7)

Chocolate Salty Rawls vs Tauben Time

Two rookie biatches

 

popped their PCOG playoff cherries in their first year, which is pretty admirable. Roommate Ben's regular season was marked by a 5 game losing streak, only offset by a 3 game winning streak. Josh's season reached it's high point from weeks 5-8, recording a 4 game streak of W's. His playoff berth was placed in doubt during a late season swoon of 3 losses in a row. Ben's postseason rested on the backs of two Seahawks: Russell Wilson and Thomas Rawls. Wilson is on the hottest QB streak in the league. The last month has recorded almost 1200 passing yards and 16 passing touchdowns without a pick. Thomas Rawls sadly got injured in the first quarter after a fast start. A broken ankle sidelines him for the rest of this year and the NFL playoffs, and places the beginning of next year in doubt as well. Ben's team could not overcome his truncated performance, nor that of another hurt RB in LeGarrette Blount. Blount went down with a hip injury, there is no prognosis for his return. I am sure you will know well in advance of next Sunday, as the Patriots are the most clear communicating team in the league when it comes to hurt or limited players. Teal Julius of the Jags entered the year labelled as a probable bust, as he was going from Peyton Manning to Blake Bortles. Most analysts declared that the change was going to be a catastrophe for the oft-injured TE, but he has instead reaped the many opportunities his new QB affords him. Against the Colts that translated to 13.9 FPTS.

FNG Josh reaped the big game Mouthbreather manning had Monday night, as Eli was in his starting lineup. 4 passing TDs and 337 PAYDS netted 33 FPTS. Julio Jones did nothing until a 42 yard catch late against the Panthers, but ended up with 12.3 FPTS. Rueben Randle had an OK day, coralling one of Mannings TDs for a nice double-dip. Nothing else was worth any note, as Devonta Freeman continued his slow swirl around the FF drain against Carolina and Charcandrick West could not capitalize on a great matchup against the hapless Bolts. He did not need too much though as Rawls's injury left Ben very Salty. Josh learns what the Green Weenie is all about against Andy next week while Ben ruminates on the luck of starting two RBs in one week that can't finish the game.

Final Score: Josh 102.9 (8-6) Ben 87.2 (7-7)

Consolation Bracket

Breasseales

Aaron bet big on the Packers-Cowboys Game. 5 of 9 starters suited up on a rainy and windy day in Green Bay. It had been said that Eddie Lacy went into feast mode two weeks ago, but that was wrong. Lord Eddard Lacy has risen from the dead as a White Walker, terrifying defenses as the winter cold grips the gridiron across the country. The once-formidable Dallas defense was eviscerated by the rotund running back, as he totaled 148 yards and a score in a game where GB actually ran the ball. That Rodgers to Rodgers connection once again hooked up for a score, with Aaron adding another and 200+ yards thru the air. The big difference maker was once again Brandon Marshall, one half of the best scoring WR duo since Cris Carter and Randy Moss from the 1998 Minnesota Vikings. 6 catches for 125 yards and a score against the terrible Titans made a great day for the troubled receiver. The Panthers D/ST forced 4 turnovers from Atlanta, and garnered 20 FPTS. Ronnie Hillman started the game against the Raiders but did not do much.

Seth's mediocre day could not keep up with his small brother Sunday. Tom Brady did not have to exert himself against Houston, keeping his score moderate. Darren McFadden totaled 11 yards on only 9 carries because Jason Garrett hates me, on a deep and personal level. James White only got one carry for the Pats, but it was good enough for a touchdown. Shaun Draughn, that best RB you've never heard of, wasn't heard of on Sunday against Cleveland 2.0. He could only manage 51 total yards on 13 touches against that terrible defense. Greg Olsen's injury shouldn't keep him out of next week's action, but that did Seth no favors this week.

Final Score: Aaron 128.5 (7-7) Seth 88.7 (5-8)

Broncos Glue Factory vs Team Trashbag

Graham's hot streak ended at about the same time the hot Indian food from Bryan's graduation feast exited him. Big Ben got big squat from his supporting cast, Jonathan Stewart did alright (17.9) but left the game with an injury. Buck Allen couldn't get much traction against the fearsome Seahawks and ended up with 58 total yards and a fumble. Jarvis Landry caught all the balls in the Miami half of Monday night which was good, but Travis Kelce caught basically no balls against the Chargers. David Johnson might just be a revelation for the Cardinals, as he had a great game that could have been better had he been awarded what I thought was a TD. One would think that in a game where the Jags scored 51 points Allen Robinson would have had 6 touchdowns, given his previous production: but instead he was held to only one catch for one TD.

Troy had a well rounded game that could have been oh so much better himself: TJ Yeldon exited with an injury (what a terrible week for RBs) as did Spencer Ware. Every one else was in double digits. Demaryius Thomas returned to form against Oakland for 12.5, Doug Martin continued his comeback player of the year pace for 17.9, Decker is the other half of that great Jets receiving corps and Tyrod is just a beast. His group of retards and assholes definitely earned their win, as did Troy. Simple Jack did a great job this week.

Final Score: Troy 114.1 (6-8) Graham 93.7 (5-9)

Sacko Race to the Bottom

Bryan and Jordan squared off in a last place tilt. To be clear, the 2015 Sacko is not entirely wrapped up. If Jordan wins out AND Bryan loses out AND Jordan outscores Bryan, then our recent graduate is the worst. If any of the above does not come to pass then Jordan's crown is preserved. In what was the closest and highest scoring match of the weekend both players hit on pretty much every starter. Todd Gurley reestablished his Rookie of the Year pace with 140 yards and two scores on only 16 carries. He was effectively bottled up right up till the end of the 3rd quarter by the Lions. Chris Ivory had 100+ RUYDS for the first time in 2 months against the Titans. Cobb and Hilton finally had FPTS that reflected their high draft status and DARREN FREAKING SPROLES SCORED A RUSHING TOUCHDOWN. It has been said that it is better to be lucky than good, and the little guy's score put Jordan over the top in this one.

Bryan bet big on the Seahawks this week. Starting two WRs from a team that throws the ball 30+ times a game exactly once this year is risky business. It worked out though as the two pint sized pass catchers totaled 56.6 FPTS. Melvin Gordon continues to show improvement from his previous showings, but that is not too hard considering the level of bust that he appears to be running behind that patchwork O-line. Jameis Winston is the real disappointment of the week. The Aints have given up an average of 27 FPTS per game this year, but the Crabwalker could only muster 13.9. Both teams go back into the hopper, hoping to avoid the ignominy of the Sacko and the reward of the first pick.

Final Score: Jordan 132.4 (4-10) Bryan 126.6 (5-9)

Week 15 Preview

Championship Bracket
#1 Tyler vs #5 Jonny:
#2 Andy vs #3 Josh

Winner's Consolation Bracket
#4 Jared vs #6 Ben

Sacko Invitational
Troy vs Aaron
Jordan vs Seth
Bryan vs Graham

The trade window has passed but you are still able to make waiver wire additions. Prepare your teams and may the best Commissioner win.

The Gravy Bowl Double Feature

That is right boys and girls, Thanksgiving has come and gone. Headed into the week I was Thankful to have Tony Romo back for America's team. I did not have high hopes for the outcome of that particular Turkey Day meeting, and I proved to be right. The Cowboys may be America's Team, but they certainly are not the Carolina's team. The shocking rancor of the personal attacks in the PCOG group text after Romo went down again (not that he should have even played, he was not completely healed, they should have rodded his fracture the day after the Philly game which would have ended his season BUT greatly reduced the chances of re injury but noooooo, Jerry is desperate for another Lombardi Trophy to decorate his sarcophagus after his necromantic mummy spell wears off. Because Jerry Jones is no longer among the living, he is in fact an undead shambling corpse reanimated by dark magics and sustained by the wailing anguish from legions of football fans in the Metroplex and beyond. Jerry Jones is a locus of evil in our time.) sickened me and would have been too much even for ISIS/ISIL/DAESH/The New England Patriots. I really appreciate all of my friends sending my commiserating texts, pictures and condolences. Wait, what? I did not get any of those things? That's right, that's because I hate my friends.

 

Traveling for the Thanksgiving Holiday, followed by shooting/hunting on Turkey Eve, precluded me from writing the Week 11 Recap. so here goes:

Week 11 Cliff's Notes
Andy (8-3) 116.7 vs Jared (6-5) 89.3
Jordan (2-9) 72.8 vs Bryan (5-6) 77
Aaron (5-6) 141.5 vs Ben (5-6) 137
Tyler (10-1) 137 vs Seth (4-7) 102.8
Jonny (7-4) 91.9 vs Graham (3-8) 80.1
Troy (4-7) 119.1 vs Josh (7-4) 80.3

Week 12 Recap

Dallas is Super Screwed vs Thick Bitch
The PCOG is defined by the relationships between it's members. There are best friends, brothers, in-laws and rivalries. To that effect I labeled this matchup the Gravy Bowl. Honestly there was no tension, little smack talk, and overall good sportsmanship around the Hutton family table for the holiday feast. And since someone has accused your Humble Commissioner of only writing this week's article because of his sweet, sweet victory, no jokes will be made. There was a trade offer proposed between these two parties revolving around a haircut and a Saints RB, but I do not want to start a precedent of outside actions for inside players in a league with married people.

Final Score: Andy 151.1 (9-3, 2-0 in sibling play) Bryan 124.1 (5-7, 0-2 ISP)

Cheese Heads vs The Cursed One

The Packers passing offense is broken. You may call me a height supremacist, but building an NFL pass game around Randall Cobb is ludicrous. Slot shaming over.

Randall Cobb and his crazy Vito eyes is a #2 WR



That said, large parts of Aaron's team is built around Rodger's right arm. And those parts struggled Thursday night. A-A-Ron and Richard Rodgers could only combine for 30 PAYARDS. Fat Eddie Lacy went into Feast Mode though. Posting over 100 total yards in back to back weeks for the first time this season, he is finally producing like his first round pedigree suggests.

Even if this TD should not have counted



Brandon Marshall continued his comeback season. It makes me wonder what he would have done in Chicago this year, now that Good Cutler is playing the best in his smoke filled career. Most of the rest of Aaron's team was like the sweet potatoes at the far end of the Thanksgiving table: Cold, Slimy, and making you wonder why anyone would have them. The Panthers D/ST ensured that Tony Romo not only would leave the game early, but that he would throw a pair of balls and a TD to Luke Kuechly, who I now hate.

 

Jared didn't really care how his PCOG game went because he was still in a post orgasmic Iron Bowl haze. I feel the same, not because I am a 'Bama fan but because I am drooling of the prospects of Derrick Henry running behind the Dallas Offensive Line next year.

Bad Season, High Draft Pick. Right Troy?



Harris suffered from a Carr wreck last week but his furious comeback victory at the Titans helped his cause. Calvin Johnson and Sammy Watkins, uber-talented WRs who have battled lower body injuries and questionable quarterbacking all year rebounded big time this week, posting almost identical FPTS (31+). Jeremy Hill was only mediocre but that is waaaaay better than some of his fantasy outputs this season, and DeAngelo Williams contributed and almost by the way 23.2 FPTS in an amazing game at Seattle.




Final Score: Jared 167.3 (7-5) Aaron 128.8 (5-7)

This is Bullshit vs Pass the Blount

Week 12's Match of the Week (Winning Margin 2.4 FPTS) came down to SNF. Ben put together a good week, led by Chocolate Salty Rawls busting over, around and thru the Steeler's D. Martavis Bryant sped (at 22 MPH according to CBS) around the edge of the Seahawks on this end around.

He paid the price with that hit but it still helped his fantasy day.




When Gronk went down Brady's last remaining professional level pass catcher left the field. Good news is he did not shred his knee, it appears to just be a bone bruise. Bad news is that Seth's QB couldn't connect with anyone after the injury. He still had a very nice day, but I think if Gronk had been on the field for the last part of the game Seth would have caught up. Desean Jackson had only two catches, but this 63 yard TD made up for a lack of volume.

 

Final Score: Ben 106.6 (6-6) Seth 104.2 (4-8)

Yes We Cam Superman vs Super Sonic Shady Dudes

Tyler, I am not ashamed to tell you that you and your FF acumen were a subject of conversation over the holiday weekend. It hearkened back to the conversations at the Brasseale-Hollingsworth wedding: It really sucks that you are such a good dude because we all hate your guts in FF. Once again Tyler is tearing thru the heart of the regular season, with only a single blemish on his record. And the hits just kept coming this week. Blake Bortles didn't play exceptionally, but he did put together a good fantasy day. He might not do quite as well with one of the Alans down with a serious concussion for the foreseeable future. Shady McCoy continues to chug along and not break down like I was sure he would in the preseason. Odell Beckham Jr. had yet another amazing catch, and on this one he did not even need to commit offensive pass interference




DeAndre Hopkins did not strafe the NOLA defense as many thought he would this week, and CJ?K broke his leg. As a fellow member of the "My second RB is hurt and now I am left with dogshit club" rest assured I feel your and his pain.

Speaking of injured legs, I was physically ill on seeing Gronk go down with that helmet to the knee. The only positive is that his leg was not planted and it had the freedom to flex, preventing serious injury. He still collected a touchdown in an incomplete game, and this may be the last spike we see until January




Cam Newton did not need to put up a huge FF day because the damn Panthers D/ST did enough scoring to win the game. Emmanuel Sanders had a nice return from a concussion of his own and showed pretty good chemistry with the new QB Brock IceWater. Jonny's special teams performed very well with a combined 39 FPTS but it was not enough to overcome the rest of his starters. 4 players put up single digits apiece, not good enough to walk away with a W in this league.

Final Score: Tyler 116.7 (11-1) Jonny 113.1 (7-5)

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A NEW RECORD FOR PCOG ASS BEATING HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED

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Team Trashbag vs The Smoking Remains of Josh's Pride
Damn. 100+ points separated these two. Really, this is just a complete destruction. Roethlisberger threw for more yards on Seattle's defense than anyone in history. Without playing the whole game. Jarvis Landry is a PPR (1/2) beast. The Falcons, and by extension FNG Blouseless Josh, suck now.

 

All Time Record Setting Margin of Victory: 100.1 FPTS
Final Score: Graham 155.8 (4-8) Husk of a Man 55.7 (7-5)

my body too bootylicious for the east coast vs Broncos Glue Factory

Troy has the honor of also setting a PCOG record. For the second time in a season, he has started a QB who garnered negative points. As the fearful embodiment of injured rosters ( never forget it was Troy who said something about all of FNG Topless Josh's players getting hurt last week) he has cast his curse on my team now. Tony Romo has fallen victim to Troy. I should have told him this before all of this unpleasantness happened

 

Jordan's fortunes have taken a bad turn since Gurley is no longer rushing for 400 yards a game on 978 carries. Lucky for her, Chris Ivory and Jeremy Maclin came to play on sunday. Drew Brees's streak of games with a touchdown pass ended at 45, but it was not enough to keep her from a victory over the Fantasy Football Final Destination Station.

Final Score: Jordan 101.4 (3-9) Troy 90 (4-8)

The last week of the regular season is here. 6 teams will make it to PCOG Postseason for a chance to play for the Chopper. The remaining teams will duke it out in a consolation bracket for the #1 overall draft pick next August. The top two playoff teams will earn a bye, and everyone else will play in a survive and advance tourney. Final draft order will be in inverse order of postseason accomplishment. May the best Commissioner Win.

The Late Edition

First off, apologies for the tardiness of this week's article. I know when things are getting behind when Jared Harris, that known bastion of punctuality, slips me a text message inquiring about how late things are running.




Week 10 was highly entertaining. Several close games, bucking the recent trend of shame inducing blowouts that has recently plagued the PCOG, went right down to the wire. To the Recap!




Week 10 Recap
Pass the Blount vs Eifertgot how to Folkn catch

This game was a back and forth affair that highlights the typical FF team construction in the 2015 PCOG: Studs and Duds. For instance, Ben only had one outstanding performer this week as Martavis Bryant somehow overcame the entry of the Steelers backup QB to rack up 6 catches for 178 yards and a TD for 25.8 FPTS. I bet you are pretty damned happy that I vetoed that trade where you would have sent Bryant off without ever reaping his production now, aren't you?

One hell of a catch.



That brings up the proposed and vetoed trade. Ben traded Andy Dalton to Tyler for Martavis Bryant and Russell Wilson. This went through after the week 9 games (7NOV15). On 12NOV15 Ben attempted to trade Martavis Bryant and Russell Wilson back to Tyler (without even using the recently acquired players) back to Tyler for Blake Bortles and Davante Adams. In effect, Ben would have traded Andy Dalton and dropped Alfred Morris in order to have a cup of coffee with Bryant and Wilson and acquire Blake Bortles and Davante Adams. I vetoed this second deal for one reason. It is not my job to judge the equity of a deal. I fully believe that individual owners have the right to manage their rosters as they see fit, even if that means they do so poorly. Several trades have been approved that I believe were out and out stupid by one party or another. My only measuring stick for trade veto is collusion. It just seemed a little fishy to me for owners to swap players back and forth without even using them. Bryant is a really good WR, and Ben gave up a top-10 QB in order to get him. The trade has been vetoed without any protestation from the involved parties. If you guys think my trade vetting process is unfair, please present alternatives to me via text. I would like to point out that this is only the second trade in PCOG history that has been vetoed. Back to the fun stuff...

One stud, a couple of players with acceptable production (Wilson with 17.3 FPTS, Blount with 19.5, the Steelers D/ST with 15) and two stinkers: Heath Miller posted 6 measly points and Caleb Sturgis with 4. Whip the killer together with the filler and Ben posted a better than average (and second best for the week) 134.5

Studs and Duds ruled supreme on Team Eifert. Carson Palmer had 21.6 against the former best defense in the league and HOLY SHIT ADRIAN PETERSON IS A BEAST

 

80 yards untouched to cap off what was already a great day by my first round pick. This was my approximate reaction watching All Day streak down the field




The game hung in the balance going into Monday Night. I think I was down about 30 points headed into the CIN-HOU matchup, with three players yet to play. AJ Green, beast. Tyler Eifert, the shining jewel of the "take nothing but RB and WR early and everything else late" strategy. The tough Bengals D/ST against the laughable Texans, surely they would be good for a couple turnovers and maybe a TD right?




Dropfest 2015 started around 8:30 pm and did not stop until my dreams were crushed. Tyler Eifert had 2 drops on the season before the game and left with 6. AJ Green went almost 3 full quarters between catching a ball, then went on to fumble AND a dropped TD to boot. This does not even bring up the catching woes of one Mike Evans. He has been known as a 50/50 player, where the QB feels comfortable throwing the ball up for him in a coin flip situation and assuming he would come down with it. Instead he is a 50/50 player where he DROPS HALF OF HIS TARGETS. These three studs are represented below





Final Score: Ben 134.5 (5-5) Andy 131.3 (7-3)

Thick Bitch vs Tauben Time

Bryan has balls of steel. He knows very well in the tales of hallowed PCOG antiquity what happens when you start Kirk Cousins. He has laughed at the misfortune of other managers who inserted the mercurial QB into their lineup only to watch it explode in their face.




Fully knowing this he still persevered in starting him, and this is what he got:

 

I know that clip is from two weeks ago but it is too good to not repurpose for this occasion. Brandin Cooks, a waiver wire castoff, got 28.7 and all of New Orleans' scoring in that same game. That is where the gravy train ends though. Mark Ingram busted off a 70+ yard run but couldn't punch it in from the 2. Alfred Blue ran into the tough Bengals D/ST all Monday Night. Willie Snead caught as many balls from Drew Brees on Sunday as I did. The formidable Rams D/ST got torched by the resurgent Bears. Any of those players could have bridged the gap between Bryan and FNG Shirtless Josh this week, but fell short.

Speaking of FNG Shirtless Josh, he too had a few stinkers. James Jones met Snead catch-for-catch. The #1 performing D/ST in FF, the Denver Broncos, posted a whopping one point. Steffon Diggs and Json Witten were matched examples of mediocrity at 6.9 and 6.7 FPTS respectively. But, FNG Shirtless Josh also had the stud component to offset his duds. Chacandrick West continues to be an able replacement for Jamaal Charles. For the third straight time, he posted 25+ FPTS. Many of those came in this stinky, smelly, garbage time catch and run in the fourth quarter of a game already decided.

 

They all count the same though. Speaking of basura, James Starks' day was saved by the suddenly reeling Packers' last TD drive. Eli Manning performed well in what turned out to be the game of the week. Justin Forsett continues to wonder where all the running lanes from last year are as he struggles against the ineptitude of Baltimore's offense.

Final Score: FNG Josh 117.6 (7-3) Bryan 106.2 (4-6)

The Cursed One vs my body too bootylicious

Ever since this commercial




hit the airwaves, the Green Bay Packers have circled the drain. Jordan has felt much of their pain as her #1 pick, Fat Eddie Lacy, has continued to struggle. She recently doubled down on her Packers bet by trading for strugglebunny Randall Cobb. Todd Gurley has been excellent, but even he had to grind out some tough yards against Chicago this Sunday. It is pretty impressive that a "poor" game for him still totaled 19.4 FPTS. It may not be the incredible production he has totaled since becoming the starter, but it was good enough for RB1 points in Week 10.

Did you know Gurley was an All-American Hurdler in college?



Harris was not that much better this week. Deangelo Williams did not turn a top 5 matchup into top 5 FPTS, Calvin Johnson continues to be criminally underused by Jim Bob Cooter

For Realsies



and Gary Carnage continues to carry his team. Derek Carr's streak of 300+ PAYDS and multiple TDs continued in spite of the gale-force winds swirling around O Co. Coliseum. Jared has to hope that his starting QB and his starting WR1 teams get into a firefight this week as Detroit and Oakland meet, because I don't think that 89.2 FPTS is gonna do it against his opponent this week.




Final Score: Jared 89.2 (would have lost to any other team this weekend 6-4) Jordan 83.2 (2-8)

PCOG Super Bowl Rematch: Super Sonic Shady Odell DeAndre McManuses vs Battered, Pack and Blue

It is appropriate that that Tyler had two players in the Monday Night game. He, and the rest of the football world, saw how AJ Green should be used in DeAndre Hopkins. No matter what the coverage, the noodle-armed slack-jawed Texan QB of the quarter throws it to his best player. Tyler's QB refuses to throw to Green in this manner, and it really grinds my gears. Team SSSOM overcame his terrible QB through Hopkins and ODB. Beckham was largely held in check in his game but managed to get behind the D for this huge scoring play.




If you told me before kickoff that Aaron Rodgers would chuck the ball a Felipe Rios-like 61 times in this game, I would have wondered if we would see a 90 FPT game from him. Instead he only posted a pitiable 23.1. Tyler's Davante Adams was on the receiving end of 21 targets! I don't watch the Pack on TV every Sunday like our Aaron does, but if Mike McCarthy doesn't figure out what is wrong with his offense soon he will be sharing that couch with Mr Breasseale.

Rodgers Missing his Injured Love



Giovani Bernard continues to be the Bengals RB you want, but he continues to give only so-so performances. Ronnie Hillman matches that RB by committee slot, only in blue and orange instead of black and orange. At least you have a playoff bound defense lead by the best linebacker on the planet.




Final Score: Tyler 128.1 (9-1) Aaron 102.6 (4-6)

Trashbag vs Busted Foot Patriot

Graham had a pretty good effort in Week 10. 8/9 starting slots had double digit scoring. Granted, the highest of those was Jonathan Stewart at only 20.6 FPTS but slow and steady can win the race. Marshawn Lynch Beast Moded his way through an abdominal injury but put up only 13.5 FPTS against the stingy Arizona D/ST. The Vikings did contribute a touchdown on this Cordarrelle Patterson kick return

 


Seth has followed the lead of Bryan and Aaron, putting most of his chips on one team. Unfortunately his Patriots did not contrive up a win any more than Bryan's Saints or Aaron's Packers. Tom Brady did his 100%. 334 PAYDS and two scores were only lessened by his two turnovers. Julian Edelman was doing pretty well until he succumbed to a broken foot in the first half. James White has done all he needs to do to prove that he is not in fact Dion Lewis 2.0 DeMarco Murray has rebounded from early season woes very well, posting 20+ FPTS in 4/5 of his past games. Darren McFadden, his replacement in Big D, could not capitalize against a mediocre Buc's D/ST and only put up 11.6 FPTS. All in all Seth just didn't have the horses to hang with the Team Teddy Graham.




Final Score: Graham 120.7 (3-7) Seth 102.9 (4-6)

Negative Horsepower vs Yes We Cam Superman

The Fivehead giveth and the Fivehead taketh away. In Week 10 he tooketh away 7.6 FPTS. Manning completed 5 passes to the Broncos and 4 to the Chiefs. He is donzeo.You need to find a replacement ASAP. Jeremy Langford is the replacement for the Forte Year Old RB and damn he looks good. He can run, he can catch, he scores at will. All of this against a good Rams D/ST. He has another stiff test this week against the Broncos D AND Forte may play this week. It was good while it lasted bud. Eric Decker continues to catch TDs and Yeldon fought through a tough foot injury which might sideline him tonight against the Titans. Josh Brown Destroyer of Worlds is the second best K in FF this year, have fun replacing 16 FPTS of production this week as the Giants are on a bye.




Jonny seems to be on a roll. Lamar Miller put up 20+ FPTS against an incredible Philly run defense, Gronk Robkowski cannot be contained, Cam Newton is the best goal line RB in the league and Antonio Brown is good at celebrating.




That one came at the end of a 56 yard touchdown. It helped to overcome Emmanuel Sanders' big fat squadoosh against KC. Charles Sims couldn't get anything going against the Cowboys despite what seemed like 40 pass targets more than 10 yards downfield. Jonny should have gotten negative FPTS for the Ravens D/ST on this stupid penalty that put Jax in position for the game winning kick:




But that is not how our scoring system works, and instead he got points for the sack. It is Fantasy Football after all, not Madden.

Final Score: Peyton Manning -7.6 (benched) Troy 122.3 (3-7) Jonny 134.7 (6-4)

Week 11 Preview

9-Line Superfine: (Andy 7-3 vs Jared 6-4)
Bride Battles Best Man (Jordan 2-8 vs Bryan 4-6)
Seth's Old Roommate vs Current Roommate: (Aaron 4-6 vs Ben 5-5)
Panthers Fans Fight it Out (Jonny 6-4 vs Graham 3-7)
More Jokes I can't think of right now: Seth 4-6 vs Tyler 9-1,FNG Shirtless Josh 7-3 vs Troy 3-7 

Only three weeks remain until the FF Postseason begins. Make trades, scour the WW and stock up on the essentials because Winter is Coming.