Finally. After long months, our long national nightmare is over and the NFL reigns supreme over our lives once again. With the return of football comes the agonizing over your favorite team's contest, warring with the desire that your fantasy teams do well. Individuals may choose to avoid such conflicts of interest, or instead embrace and accept the fact that oft times one finds oneself rooting against one's favorite team. To put it simply:
I must apologize for the tardiness of this week's article. A severe thunderstorm knocked out internet service to my apartment complex, and some of the scatological references contained herein were not appropriate to look up on a public, university provided computer. But now, for that moment you've all been waiting for:
TO THE RECAP!
Week 1
The Snicklefitzmeister vs What can Brown do for me?
Tyler sucks at fantasy football. He is on a two game (cross-season) losing streak, and should probably just pack it in and not adjust his lineup for the rest of the year. His team performed admirably and in fact would have beaten every single PCOG team this week, except the one that he was actually matched up against. Luck was in the air when he wasn't reduced to a grease spot on the Lion's home turf, racking up 37.3 FPTS. TJ Yeldon took advantage of Chris Ivory's sudden and mysterious hospitalization to punch in a short yardage score against the Pack. Larry Fitzgerald was a full grown man in a valiant effort against the Brady-less Pats, with his 24.1 FPTS setting the standard for the Week 1 PCOG FLEX position. He wisely streamed a D/ST (the Iggles) against the hapless Browns. About the only player to not seriously cash in this week was Brandon Marshall, who always starts the season slow. Allow this nugget of wisdom to soothe your aggrieved heart against the vagaries of fickle Fantasy
Fatherhood agrees with Bryan. Perhaps it is the new responsibility of shepherding a innocent, fragile life through what promises to be a loving future. Perhaps time spent in a pediatrician's waiting room lent itself to FF research or mock drafting. Whatever the reason is, wow. Bryan fully leveraged the short term tendencies of NFL front offices in their approach to that most short lived of positions, RB. Perhaps his ball carrying behemoths will not trample opposition all 16 weeks of the season, as their respective front runners are due back within the month. But until that day comes, you had better ride Spencer Ware and DeAngelo Williams. 73.8 combined FPTS easily bested any other team's production at the position. Cam Newton is treated as an RB by the league's referees
yet still tallied 22.4 FPTS. Formerly Orange Julius reverted back to his red zone patrolling ways, lancing in for a quick score against GB. There were a pair of disappointments but they were overshadowed by Hingle McCringleberry
I mean Antonio Brown
Everyone knows that more than two pumps earns you the flag. It is being erroneously reported that he was "twerking", when in fact it was clearly an homage to that dearly departed show. Either way he garnered 29.6 FPTS and put the pussy on the chainwax.
Final Score: Tyler 147.3 (0-1) Bryan 174.6 (1-0)
Cheese Heads vs TaubenTime 2.0
Shirtless Josh began his defense of the Chopper
against the 2015 winner, A-A-ron. His back to back effort commenced with a meh effort by the best D/ST from last year, the Denver Broncos. They only totaled 6 measly FPTS on 2016's opening night, but this did not bring the former FNG down. Ben Rapistburger torched the Washington Racists' defense repeatedly Monday Night and totaled 23.6 FPTS. Donte Moncrief just might be the Colt's WR to own this year; and he and new Lion Marvin Jones helped to contribute to the track meet in the Motor City. Speaking of track meets, nary a defense was to be found in NOLA as the Saints and Raiders squared off. Latavius Murray punched it in but was outclassed by Brandin Cooks' devastation of the Raiders secondary. This long score was the longest in Saints history. He is still running.
A-A-Ron's fantasy hopes ran aground against the rocky shores of injury and ineptitude this week. Adrian Peterson once again started the year off with a whimper instead of a bang, earning only 31 yards on 19 carries. Sammy Watkins' foot has been a red flag since the day he left Clemson in a blaze of underachieving Tiger football. The Cardinals D/ST had a dream matchup, deployed against a Brady-less, Gronk-less, and light on the O-Line New England team, but could only deliver 7 paltry points. Señor Rios was hamstrung when Keenan Allen tragically went down with a non-contact ACL tear. Ancient Frank Gore was somewhat of a bright spot, contributing 13.3 FPTS from the FLEX position. All in all, a near TRADITION!! (margin of victory 50+ FPTS) day to forget for Porkchop and Olive's dad. Welcome back to the East Coast cuz!
Final Score: Aaron 97.3 (0-1) Josh 141.9
Broncos Glue Factory vs Publix Enemy PE 16
Jeremy, FNGuy and home for once and future Cowboy's RBs, welcome to the PCOG. I write these articles as a labor of love, carrying on a tradition from the first year of the PCOG when I (as one of only two members in a ten team league who had any FF experience at all) started 0-7 and making dick related football jokes at the expense of my beloved friends was the only thing that kept me interested in the week to week goings on in the PCOG. I try and include at least one related game highlight, FF meme or funny gif in each owner's section of the recap. Usually this weekly football edition of Dr Zhivago comes out on Tuesdays, but life and atmospheric electrical discharges got in the way. Hope you have a thick skin bud.
Wow, who invited this loser? Who starts Dez Bryant against an All-Star Giants secondary when he relies on a fourth round Rookie QB in his first NFL start to deliver the inevitably overthrown ball. Probably the same guy who felt that a rare Green Bay free agent (TE Jared Cook) would perform well in a hugely complex passing attack that takes years to learn. Have fun chasing Jameis' bench riding performance over the next month as he struggles against top level defenses. DeMarco Murray had a good game against a stout defense, and Ezekiel Elliot was disappointing as a bell cow back in his Dallas debut. Rashad Jennings embarked on his yearly race against the injury bug, while also bowling over outmatched Cowboys tacklers.
Seriously, nice effort to get the score
Speaking of scoring in that game, Minnesota's defense contributed two scoop and scores against the putrid Titans. This poor decision helped to contribute to Eric Kendricks' Defensive Player of the Week award.
Troy relied on a triple pack of high scoring RBs, with David Johnson, LeSean McCoy and Ameer Abdullah scoring a combined 67.7 FPTS. With this week's injury news, your work is not yet complete. Sammy Watkins' (Tyrod's #1 target) foot is made of glass and glass is made of Jordan Reed's lower body. Have fun scouring the waiver wire for suitable replacements. Dan Bailey's thunderous right leg contributed 17 FPTS on four FGs (two of over 50 yards) and single extra point. He is my favorite kicker!
Final Score: FNGuy 109.5 (0-1) Troy 135.2 (1-0)
Funkin New Girl vs Baltimore Blitz
Kia, all of the stuff I wrote to Jeremy half applies to you, as you read all of my articles last year as the brains behind Troy's almost SACKO earning performance. If you need a wedding cake cupcake tester/ uninvolved dog sitter, you have my number.
This performance was so mediocre
it is barely worth excoriating. Doug Baldwin continued his touchdown scoring ways from the second half of last year in a very boring game. Alshon Jeffery is good when he actually plays, have fun finding a last minute soft tissue issue related replacement around 9 times this year. Devonta Freeman, a flash in the pan from last season, may have won Shirtless Josh a championship but wilted in the illegally amplified crowd noise in Atlanta. Delanie Walker will spend 99% of his time run blocking this year in the "Exotic Smashmouth"
[image]http://img.pandawhale.com/117248-dr-evil-air-quotes-gif-Imgur-l-Tk6R.gif/image]
offense that will earn two Tennessee victories and zero Music City Miracles. Carson Palmer looks to be suffering from classic Delhomme Syndrome, typified by tossing innumerable interceptions in an NFC Championship game and being stuck in a rut for all of the next season. Mark Ingram is pretty good, but his ankles/shoulders/overall HP has a shelf life shorter than grocery food sushi.
Graham Cracker's move to Winterfell, capital of the North, reflects his choice of team name. I think. Who really knows with this kid. Speaking of poor decisions, Gary Barnidge collected 0 FPTS on none yards from no catches. Understandable though, as he was relying on RGKnee to deliver ducks while unsuccessfully dodging coracoid crunching pass rushers in the form of Fletcher Cox. He was the one who ended Tony's season last year, so I feel your pain.
On the positive side, another man's recent move north worked out well for you. I certainly thought Matt Forte (23.5 FPTS) was donezo after a decade of hard work for the Chicago Bears. Chan Gailey is an offensive wizard though and will keep his new Jet fueled up with passes out of the backfield and absolutely no goal line rushing attempts. His replacement in the Windy City scored 17.6 FPTS despite his QB being Jay Cutler. A-A-Ron Rodgers
didn't blow the roof off of the Jaguars but did make yet another pinpoint accurate TD pass with a defender draped all over him. The Jets D/ST totaled 7 sacks against the Bengals but somehow only 12 points. Congratulations on a victory that would not have beat any other Week 1 PCOG winner.
Final Score FNGirl 109.2 (0-1) Graham 118.5 (1-0)
SCLSU Mud Dogs vs Perpetuating Dumpster Fire
GAME OF THE WEEK
Hi, I'm Andy Hutton, Commissioner of the PCOG and RB enthusiast. From time to time, my devotion to this position ensures that my lineup is an infuriating Gordian Knot of football fortune telling and pigskin prognostication.
Speaking of Gordon, his 21.2 FPTS withered on the vine of my bench as he punched in two scores, or two more than his total touchdown tally from all of the 2015 season. I also had Isaiah Crowell, he of the politically incorrect police depictions on social media. His 17.8 FPTS helped neither the Browns or the Mud Dogs to a victory in the opening stanza of the season as he too rusted away on reserve. Who did I choose to play? GIOVANNI TAPIOCA BERNARD, WHO COULD NOT OUTRUN A PATHETIC JETS LINEBACKING CORPS EVEN THOUGH HE IS AN ATHLETIC SPECIMEN. Not even AJ Green's otherworldy destruction of the island formerly known as Revis could rescue my idiotic decision making.
Seth rolled out the best QB performance of the week, personified by Drew Brees' strafing of the Raiders already shown in that Cooks highlight. 423 PAYDS, 4 TDS and one fumble netted 37.4 big FPTS. Formerly Fat and now merely Festive Eddie Lacy contributed 11.8 FPTS, and Darth Belicheck's
Human Victory Cigar (AKA LeGarrette Blount) flattened the Cards by sheer dint of will. Arian Foster had a good performance in a terrible matchup, enjoy it while it and his health lasts. Speaking of health, Demaryius Thomas tweaked a hip in the course of beating the Panthers Thursday night, and I just happen to own his handcuff for the discerning and forward looking fantasy owner.
Game of the Week's Margin of Victory: 8.1 FPTS, or .3820754716981132 Melvin Gordons
Andy 117.9 (0-1) Seth 126 (1-0)
The Cursed One vs Big Gurleys Don't Cry
Jordan turned her #1 draft value into the lowest scoring output of the week. Todd Gurley is a superhuman beast, capable of leaping tall buildings in a single, All American hurdle. Unfortunately even his blazing speed is capable of outrunning the LA Lams offensive putridity.
CJ Anderson's 32.9 FPTS in the Super Bowl rematch certainly put Harris behind the 8 ball as the final whistle echoed across Mile High Field. But losing your primary receiver 1.7 quarters into the season is a devastating blow. To top it all off, Russell Wilson got stomped on by a boy named Suh and may miss several weeks with an ankle.
Jared cashed in on SEC West Alumni torching the league this week. Now the sole Manning, Eli had a modest passing day in Big D. Amari Cooper is still catching rockets from the right cannon of Derek Carr, snagging 6 balls for 137 yards. Carlos Hyde AND Ryan Matthews avoided injury snake eyes for now, while rushing for a combined 47.3 FPTS. As a victim of Hyde's patented Week 1 amazing effort in the past, all I can say is good luck with that walking wounded player. Continuing the medical theme, it is past time to rip off the Band-Aid that is the concept that Jordan Cameron will ever do anything in Miami.
Final Score: Jordan 84.2 (0-1) Jared 129.9 (1-0)
Week 2 Preview
Jared (1-0) vs Andy (0-1)
Graham (1-0) vs Seth (1-0)
Jordan (0-1) vs Josh (1-0)
Tyler (0-1)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! vs Jeremy (0-1)
Bryan (1-0) vs Aaron (0-1)
The honeymoon is over: Troy (1-0) vs Kia (0-1)
You have already completed your waiver wire pickups, so send me stupid trade offers. One thing we can all agree on is GO NEERS! as Black Saturday happens this weekend against the U.
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