Week 1 Recap

The Church of the National Football League had it's first service of the year, and I personally did not enjoy the sermon at all. The Cowboys are horrid and I am now actively rooting for Dallas to lose 14-15 games so we can finally be rid of the Clapper 




Miss a field goal? Fumble the ball away? Inexplicably keep your job because your gum smacked lips are glued firmly to the ass of Zombie Jerry Jones? 






Dallas is going to suck out loud this year. While that means personal sorrow for me, that means fantasy suckage for all of you. Every time Dallas is dogshit I wreak havoc in FF. So pretend to work for the next 25ish minutes at your place of employment, because the 2018 PCOG season is off and running! TO THE RECAP! 




Week 1

Birmingham Blinders vs Washed up Wreckage 

A matchup that tied 
https://www.google.com/search?q=pittsburgh+vs+cleveland&oq=pittsburgh+vs+clev&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j0l5.10223j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8#sie=m;/g/11hdb0yrgt;6;/m/059yj;dt;fp;1 

for the closest game of the week (1.2 FPTS margin of victory) was blown wide open by the greatest living American, Tyreek Hill (37.3 FPTS) 




Given the majesty that is the fastest kid on the planet, I would like to immediately propose a change in our scoring format. Wherein, special teams plays should rightly contribute to our games instead of having to rely on the D/ST to score those points. For instance, if a certain unnamed player ripped off an 80+ yard punt return for a TD, leaving countless (11) hapless slappys flopping in the wake of his greatness, I believe that those contributions should be reflected in his/her/xur fantasy output. 
The rest of my team was ok, paced by my two first round picks in Dalvin Cook and Melvin Gordon (42.4 combined FPTS). This game was still up in the air leading to the MNF tilts, and Team FUKN was almost derailed by the re-emergence of Matt Stafford's pickiness. 4 fucking interceptions cut his production in half, and I was only saved by the grace of Detroit's coaching decision to bench the third highest paid QB in the league with 8+ minutes to go in the game. Often FF games are decided on the edge of a knife, and if Stafford had thrown one more pick or had been sacked three more times I would have tested my knife on my own wrists. 

Tyler and Seth were excoriated in the post draft article and very nearly made me eat my own words. The zero RB strategy that was dismissed as "Baffling" by an unknown ghost writer yielded gigantic dividends in Week 1. OBJ, Evans and Landry racked up 61.1 FPTS in a series of thrilling games. Good luck relying on the fruits of Fitzmagic, Tyrod "I'm gonna hold onto the Ball" Taylor and the Best Remaining Manning for production for your studs. James White, and Brieda, who were described as not even starting, also created acceptable FF output. I'm sure someone will attempt to trade-rape you guys in the next few weeks. 

Final Score: Andy 125.1 (1-0), Tyler and Seth 123.9 (0-1)


TaubenTime 4.0 vs Big Reid 1 

Continuing the trend of close games, Eric and Shirtless Josh clashed in a very close game. Josh had a very good lineup, with only one player that scored in a subpar manner (Greg Olson, who rebroke his foot from last year and will miss at least a month). Cam Newton (20 FPTS) broke the all time QB rushing TD record against Dallas 




with that second half scamper. His career thus far can be best summed up as he also leads the league in RB interceptions thrown. David Johnson came back from an early injury last year, and had a good day against the Washington Thinskins. Randall Cobb, who almost got cut for cap reasons in the preseason, helped to save the Pack on Sunday night with a catch-up performance resulting in 28.7 FPTS. Josh's early selection of the Vikings D/ST seems to be a pretty good decision, as they beat up Jimmy G to the tune of three picks, three sacks, a forced fumble and a pick six. 

Speaking of QBs with limited starting experience AND selections that were criticized, Patrick Mahomes is a QB god. 4 touchdown passes on 27 attempts is probably not sustainable, but as long as he keeps chucking bombs to Tyreek he is good in my book. Adrian Beatshisson, Washington legend, looked great in a revenge game against his old team in Arizona. Davante Adams also contributed to that comeback attempt against Eric's Bear's D/ST. Kareem Hunt strangely did not offer much in the offensive explosion against San Diego/Los Angeles/Orange County, but he was better than Amari Cooper going against the twin titans that the Rams start at CB. Nice job popping your PCOG cherry against a former Champ of this league. 

Final Score: Eric 133.2 (1-0), Josh 131.7 (0-1)


Last or First.. Back 2 Back :"{ vs Young Bloodz 

Tyler sucks at FF. He had the worst scoring output of any team in the PCOG. His pathetic gaggle of "players" featured a 0 FPT, a 1.1 FPT and two 8s. Marquise Goodwin is a typical track guy, who suffered a boo-boo and will be out at least 27 weeks until he feels 100% again. Jimmy G's bad day in Minny has already been detailed. Golden Tate contributed well in garbage time against the suddenly juggeriffic Jets and Run-CMC found little room against the stifling Dallas D. Tyler sucks and should retire from FF. 

Graham bet big on several unproven players, starting with Saquon My Name Barkley. The Cracker's first round pick exploded against the very tough Jax D/ST for this beaut of a 68 yard TD in his first NFL experience 

Michael Thomas caught 16! passes in a laugher against the Buccs. That same game "produced" -7 FPTS for the Saints D/ST as they were absolutely strafed by Fitzmagic. Kenyan Drake shared the load with the ancient and calcified Frank Gore in a game that kicked off at 1 PM EST and did not end until after 8 due to lighting and the general indifference of football fans everywhere. Doug Baldwin tore up his other knee and is done for months. Trey Burton, hero of the SB in the Philly Philly play to beat the Pats, caught 1/6 passes from the Biscuit. ALL HAIL GRAHAM, HE WHO SHOWS THAT TYLER IS INDEED MORTAL. A grateful PCOG nation salutes you sir. 

Final Score: Graham 96.5 (1-0) Tyler 76.3 (l0l-1)

Something Clever vs Don't Fournette About Me 

Jeremy, 2017 Sacko, set out to not repeat in a victorious effort. IDK if relying on Isaiah Crowell is a weekly winner though. He had a monstrous 32.7 FPTS against the _etroit Lions _/ST, mainly on a garbage time long TD run that Stephen Hawking's corpse could have motored through in his wheelchair that was being remotely controlled by Michael J Fox on a bad MS day. Tom Brady had an alright day against Houston, but that left diminutive Drew Bree's and his gigundous production on the bench. Have fun agonizing over who to start between those two passing legends every week. Jeremy's team name is derived from his first round pick, who has already broken the injury seal this year. I'm sure TJ Yeldon will be the top WW pickup this week. I hope you haven't fournetten about your RB depth behind the beast from the Southeast. JuJu had a long should have been TD. Maybe next year if he does more sprints in the offseason and less FortNite he will break that same play for the TD. 

Jared continued his streak from the 2017 College Football Championship game. Relying on a Georgia star (Gurley II, 29.7 FPTS) for outrageous production only to fall just short of the ultimate goal. The Luck/TY combo generated 33.8 FPTs for the Campbell Cameltoe, and Rex Burkhead ran for almost a dozen points against Houston. I hope you are not patient enough to hold on to Ingram. If you get desperate, hit up ol' Uncle Andy. 

Final Score: Jeremy 124.7 (1-0) Jared 104.9 (0-1)

Fresh Tips vs Team Girl 

Aaron ended this NFL week very conflicted. His beloved Quarterpacker looked to have suffered a serious knee injury, but game back in a win. Good luck protecting him against the fierce Vikings pass rush. It's not like a game vs Minny has ever resulted in a bad outcome for a QB who relies on mobility to extend plays when he is currently nursing a bum wing. But, BUT, Aaron's FF QB is a beast. Kirk/Kurt/Kurd Cousins and Adam Thielen looked to be the NFL's next big combo, as they produced huge numbers against the 4-9ers. Marshawn Lynch looked to regain his form against a tough LA Lams D/ST, AJ Green dropped one TD and had a fumble but still came out with 16.2 FPTS. Jared Fucking Cook turned a matchup advantage into a true Gruden Grinder. 180 receiving yards may be what he gets in the next 15 games. But the true star of Aaron's team is Alvin Kamara. He may have only had 29 yards on the ground but scorched Tampa for 112 through the air, with three combined TDs along the way. All told Aaron had the highest output in PCOG this week, and looks to have a completely stacked squad. 

Troy was outclassed this week. Keenan Allen had a great day, with 108 yards and a TD against KC. Russell Wilson had good production against in a hostile environment at Mile High, despite losing his best weapon. Jay Ajayi had a good opening salvo on Thursday night against Atlanta, with two rushing TDs creating most of his production. The rest of Troy's team was nondescript though. FF is not a sprint, but a long, long marathon. You have a good team who just ran into a buzzsaw. 

Final Score: Aaron 169.3 (1-0) Troy 120.1 (0-1)

Hyde n Zeke vs This Buds for u And I'll Take 2 

Johnny MoCo ran into a natural disaster this week, and Hurricane Florence hasn't even made landfall yet. We've already talked about Rodgers, his injury and production (27.2 FPTS) Emmanuel Sanders had a great game against Seattle, and Antonio Brown didn't let the shitty conditions keep him down. No one else did much of anything though. Here is a free tip: you can safely drop Kelvin Benjamin. I want butt AIDS more than I want any part of the Buffalo passing game. 

Speaking of disasters, Bryan has turned the national drama unfolding in Pittsburgh into fantasy gold. James Conner had 36 touches in a huge game against Cleveland, producing 41.5 FPTS. Phillip Rivers should have had an even huger game against KC, but Travis Benjamin and Tyrell Williams have way more speed than they have hands. Zeke struggled as the only bright point for Dallas' offense, but still collected a TD to make his day. Gronk continues to smash. I am very unhappy with how good your team looks. 

Final Score: Bryan 168.3 (1-0) Johnny 112.1 (0-1)

Julio!Julio!JU-LI-OOOOOO!! vs Chalupa Batman 

Kia kicked off the FF season with a bang. Her team's namesake should have had over 200 yards but had a very questionable review go against him. Dion Lewis made Derrick Henry owners very nervous with his excellent production in a shared backfield. Stefon Diggs may have had the prettiest catch of the week for his TD, and Jordan Reed looked great before he inevitably falls apart. 

Jordan has the "QB" that Reed relies on, and Alex Smith showed well for Washington. Joe Mixon is a full grown man who will no doubt be the centerpiece of Mrs. Breasseale's team. Larry Fitz, Demaryius and Tyler Lockett all had good but not great production as a WR corps. Lockett especially may excel as a beneficiary of the Baldwin injury. All in all, this game tied 




for the closest game of the week. 

Final Score: Kia 117.5 (1-0) Jordan 116.7 (0-1)


Week 2 Preview

Beer Guys Battle: Andy 1-0 vs Jared 0-1
#14 against the Topless Wonder: Tyler l0l-1 vs Josh 0-1
Rachel's guys against Kia's Bottom Bitch: Seth/Tyler 0-1 vs Troy 0-1
Raider Haters: Bryan 1-0 vs Eric 1-0
Sonny's Sisters: Kia 1-0 vs Graham 1-0
Last year's Sacko against last year's spectator: Jeremy 1-0 vs Johnny 0-1
Domestic Violence: Aaron 1-0 vs Jordan 1-0 

Hurricanes are one thing. Fantasy Football is another. Everyone on the eastern side of the state stay safe and dry. Foul weather is just another indicator that Winter is Coming and the PCOG is back.