Quarter-Final Quandaries

First round playoff PCOG action ended last night with a highly entertaining game. Only one game in Week 14 was even close, and it was already decided by late Sunday night. Now two crowned division champs will emerge from their bye-week slumber to take on the victors from the championship bracket. The battered fallen from the championship bracket have had their title aspirations vanquished but still compete for position in the 2016 draft. The consolation bracket is a game of musical chairs, but the last one standing will be the 2015 SACKO. How did the games shake out this week? To the Recap!

 

Week 14 Recap

Championship Bracket

Yes We Cam Superman vs The Cursed One

Two founding members of PCOG squared off as the #4 seed Jared met #5 seed Jonny MoCo. Team Racers veered on and off the track during the course of the 2015 season, starting off with maintaining the PCOG tradition of the AutoDraft Fairy. His season was marked with a 4 game losing streak and a five game winning streak. On this particular weekend he rolled out a combo platter of studs and waiver wire hopefuls. Cam Newton, the probable NFL MVP, racked up 26.8 FPTS in only 3 quarters of play against the Flightless Falcons. Antonio Brown was tackled on the 1 yard line, setting up Jared's DeAngelo Williams for the easy vulture score.




(In a related note, FXX's The League has reached the end of the series. For all of you who don't watch the show, you are a shit sipping frittata. For those of you who do, I'm sure you would agree that this season was not the best but still had some good bits.)

 

Lamar Miller had 90 yards and two scores in the first half of the Monday Night Game, only to be promptly forgotten by the Dolphins' third offensive coordinator of the year. The big revelation (and the winning score) was Isaiah Crowell of the hapless Browns. 145 yards and two touchdowns on twenty carries is the result of a clever pickup and reading the matchup. It is strange that the SF D/ST's effectiveness is a trick of geography, as they have been putrid at home and rec-level on the road. Good luck rolling him out next week at Seattle.

Team Tracers benefited from the Steelers WR's inability to cash in and score, as he recorded two short touchdowns. 27.9 FPTS were seriously boosted by those red zone opportunities, as he only had 91 total yards on Sunday against Cincinnati. Ryan Tannehill just could not keep up with Mouthbreather Manning's torrid pace Monday night, and was only able to record 17.3 FPTS. Sammy Watkins continues to be the most criminally underused receiver in the league, but still managed 18 FPTS. Poop performances against primo matchups torpedoed any chance Harris had this week, as Megatron, Jeremy Hill and ASJ only combined for 11.9 FPTS. Harris goes back into the trash heap and Jonny advances against the Terminator in Week 15

Final Score: Jonny 121.1 (8-6) Jared 96.6 (7-7)

Chocolate Salty Rawls vs Tauben Time

Two rookie biatches

 

popped their PCOG playoff cherries in their first year, which is pretty admirable. Roommate Ben's regular season was marked by a 5 game losing streak, only offset by a 3 game winning streak. Josh's season reached it's high point from weeks 5-8, recording a 4 game streak of W's. His playoff berth was placed in doubt during a late season swoon of 3 losses in a row. Ben's postseason rested on the backs of two Seahawks: Russell Wilson and Thomas Rawls. Wilson is on the hottest QB streak in the league. The last month has recorded almost 1200 passing yards and 16 passing touchdowns without a pick. Thomas Rawls sadly got injured in the first quarter after a fast start. A broken ankle sidelines him for the rest of this year and the NFL playoffs, and places the beginning of next year in doubt as well. Ben's team could not overcome his truncated performance, nor that of another hurt RB in LeGarrette Blount. Blount went down with a hip injury, there is no prognosis for his return. I am sure you will know well in advance of next Sunday, as the Patriots are the most clear communicating team in the league when it comes to hurt or limited players. Teal Julius of the Jags entered the year labelled as a probable bust, as he was going from Peyton Manning to Blake Bortles. Most analysts declared that the change was going to be a catastrophe for the oft-injured TE, but he has instead reaped the many opportunities his new QB affords him. Against the Colts that translated to 13.9 FPTS.

FNG Josh reaped the big game Mouthbreather manning had Monday night, as Eli was in his starting lineup. 4 passing TDs and 337 PAYDS netted 33 FPTS. Julio Jones did nothing until a 42 yard catch late against the Panthers, but ended up with 12.3 FPTS. Rueben Randle had an OK day, coralling one of Mannings TDs for a nice double-dip. Nothing else was worth any note, as Devonta Freeman continued his slow swirl around the FF drain against Carolina and Charcandrick West could not capitalize on a great matchup against the hapless Bolts. He did not need too much though as Rawls's injury left Ben very Salty. Josh learns what the Green Weenie is all about against Andy next week while Ben ruminates on the luck of starting two RBs in one week that can't finish the game.

Final Score: Josh 102.9 (8-6) Ben 87.2 (7-7)

Consolation Bracket

Breasseales

Aaron bet big on the Packers-Cowboys Game. 5 of 9 starters suited up on a rainy and windy day in Green Bay. It had been said that Eddie Lacy went into feast mode two weeks ago, but that was wrong. Lord Eddard Lacy has risen from the dead as a White Walker, terrifying defenses as the winter cold grips the gridiron across the country. The once-formidable Dallas defense was eviscerated by the rotund running back, as he totaled 148 yards and a score in a game where GB actually ran the ball. That Rodgers to Rodgers connection once again hooked up for a score, with Aaron adding another and 200+ yards thru the air. The big difference maker was once again Brandon Marshall, one half of the best scoring WR duo since Cris Carter and Randy Moss from the 1998 Minnesota Vikings. 6 catches for 125 yards and a score against the terrible Titans made a great day for the troubled receiver. The Panthers D/ST forced 4 turnovers from Atlanta, and garnered 20 FPTS. Ronnie Hillman started the game against the Raiders but did not do much.

Seth's mediocre day could not keep up with his small brother Sunday. Tom Brady did not have to exert himself against Houston, keeping his score moderate. Darren McFadden totaled 11 yards on only 9 carries because Jason Garrett hates me, on a deep and personal level. James White only got one carry for the Pats, but it was good enough for a touchdown. Shaun Draughn, that best RB you've never heard of, wasn't heard of on Sunday against Cleveland 2.0. He could only manage 51 total yards on 13 touches against that terrible defense. Greg Olsen's injury shouldn't keep him out of next week's action, but that did Seth no favors this week.

Final Score: Aaron 128.5 (7-7) Seth 88.7 (5-8)

Broncos Glue Factory vs Team Trashbag

Graham's hot streak ended at about the same time the hot Indian food from Bryan's graduation feast exited him. Big Ben got big squat from his supporting cast, Jonathan Stewart did alright (17.9) but left the game with an injury. Buck Allen couldn't get much traction against the fearsome Seahawks and ended up with 58 total yards and a fumble. Jarvis Landry caught all the balls in the Miami half of Monday night which was good, but Travis Kelce caught basically no balls against the Chargers. David Johnson might just be a revelation for the Cardinals, as he had a great game that could have been better had he been awarded what I thought was a TD. One would think that in a game where the Jags scored 51 points Allen Robinson would have had 6 touchdowns, given his previous production: but instead he was held to only one catch for one TD.

Troy had a well rounded game that could have been oh so much better himself: TJ Yeldon exited with an injury (what a terrible week for RBs) as did Spencer Ware. Every one else was in double digits. Demaryius Thomas returned to form against Oakland for 12.5, Doug Martin continued his comeback player of the year pace for 17.9, Decker is the other half of that great Jets receiving corps and Tyrod is just a beast. His group of retards and assholes definitely earned their win, as did Troy. Simple Jack did a great job this week.

Final Score: Troy 114.1 (6-8) Graham 93.7 (5-9)

Sacko Race to the Bottom

Bryan and Jordan squared off in a last place tilt. To be clear, the 2015 Sacko is not entirely wrapped up. If Jordan wins out AND Bryan loses out AND Jordan outscores Bryan, then our recent graduate is the worst. If any of the above does not come to pass then Jordan's crown is preserved. In what was the closest and highest scoring match of the weekend both players hit on pretty much every starter. Todd Gurley reestablished his Rookie of the Year pace with 140 yards and two scores on only 16 carries. He was effectively bottled up right up till the end of the 3rd quarter by the Lions. Chris Ivory had 100+ RUYDS for the first time in 2 months against the Titans. Cobb and Hilton finally had FPTS that reflected their high draft status and DARREN FREAKING SPROLES SCORED A RUSHING TOUCHDOWN. It has been said that it is better to be lucky than good, and the little guy's score put Jordan over the top in this one.

Bryan bet big on the Seahawks this week. Starting two WRs from a team that throws the ball 30+ times a game exactly once this year is risky business. It worked out though as the two pint sized pass catchers totaled 56.6 FPTS. Melvin Gordon continues to show improvement from his previous showings, but that is not too hard considering the level of bust that he appears to be running behind that patchwork O-line. Jameis Winston is the real disappointment of the week. The Aints have given up an average of 27 FPTS per game this year, but the Crabwalker could only muster 13.9. Both teams go back into the hopper, hoping to avoid the ignominy of the Sacko and the reward of the first pick.

Final Score: Jordan 132.4 (4-10) Bryan 126.6 (5-9)

Week 15 Preview

Championship Bracket
#1 Tyler vs #5 Jonny:
#2 Andy vs #3 Josh

Winner's Consolation Bracket
#4 Jared vs #6 Ben

Sacko Invitational
Troy vs Aaron
Jordan vs Seth
Bryan vs Graham

The trade window has passed but you are still able to make waiver wire additions. Prepare your teams and may the best Commissioner win.

The Gravy Bowl Double Feature

That is right boys and girls, Thanksgiving has come and gone. Headed into the week I was Thankful to have Tony Romo back for America's team. I did not have high hopes for the outcome of that particular Turkey Day meeting, and I proved to be right. The Cowboys may be America's Team, but they certainly are not the Carolina's team. The shocking rancor of the personal attacks in the PCOG group text after Romo went down again (not that he should have even played, he was not completely healed, they should have rodded his fracture the day after the Philly game which would have ended his season BUT greatly reduced the chances of re injury but noooooo, Jerry is desperate for another Lombardi Trophy to decorate his sarcophagus after his necromantic mummy spell wears off. Because Jerry Jones is no longer among the living, he is in fact an undead shambling corpse reanimated by dark magics and sustained by the wailing anguish from legions of football fans in the Metroplex and beyond. Jerry Jones is a locus of evil in our time.) sickened me and would have been too much even for ISIS/ISIL/DAESH/The New England Patriots. I really appreciate all of my friends sending my commiserating texts, pictures and condolences. Wait, what? I did not get any of those things? That's right, that's because I hate my friends.

 

Traveling for the Thanksgiving Holiday, followed by shooting/hunting on Turkey Eve, precluded me from writing the Week 11 Recap. so here goes:

Week 11 Cliff's Notes
Andy (8-3) 116.7 vs Jared (6-5) 89.3
Jordan (2-9) 72.8 vs Bryan (5-6) 77
Aaron (5-6) 141.5 vs Ben (5-6) 137
Tyler (10-1) 137 vs Seth (4-7) 102.8
Jonny (7-4) 91.9 vs Graham (3-8) 80.1
Troy (4-7) 119.1 vs Josh (7-4) 80.3

Week 12 Recap

Dallas is Super Screwed vs Thick Bitch
The PCOG is defined by the relationships between it's members. There are best friends, brothers, in-laws and rivalries. To that effect I labeled this matchup the Gravy Bowl. Honestly there was no tension, little smack talk, and overall good sportsmanship around the Hutton family table for the holiday feast. And since someone has accused your Humble Commissioner of only writing this week's article because of his sweet, sweet victory, no jokes will be made. There was a trade offer proposed between these two parties revolving around a haircut and a Saints RB, but I do not want to start a precedent of outside actions for inside players in a league with married people.

Final Score: Andy 151.1 (9-3, 2-0 in sibling play) Bryan 124.1 (5-7, 0-2 ISP)

Cheese Heads vs The Cursed One

The Packers passing offense is broken. You may call me a height supremacist, but building an NFL pass game around Randall Cobb is ludicrous. Slot shaming over.

Randall Cobb and his crazy Vito eyes is a #2 WR



That said, large parts of Aaron's team is built around Rodger's right arm. And those parts struggled Thursday night. A-A-Ron and Richard Rodgers could only combine for 30 PAYARDS. Fat Eddie Lacy went into Feast Mode though. Posting over 100 total yards in back to back weeks for the first time this season, he is finally producing like his first round pedigree suggests.

Even if this TD should not have counted



Brandon Marshall continued his comeback season. It makes me wonder what he would have done in Chicago this year, now that Good Cutler is playing the best in his smoke filled career. Most of the rest of Aaron's team was like the sweet potatoes at the far end of the Thanksgiving table: Cold, Slimy, and making you wonder why anyone would have them. The Panthers D/ST ensured that Tony Romo not only would leave the game early, but that he would throw a pair of balls and a TD to Luke Kuechly, who I now hate.

 

Jared didn't really care how his PCOG game went because he was still in a post orgasmic Iron Bowl haze. I feel the same, not because I am a 'Bama fan but because I am drooling of the prospects of Derrick Henry running behind the Dallas Offensive Line next year.

Bad Season, High Draft Pick. Right Troy?



Harris suffered from a Carr wreck last week but his furious comeback victory at the Titans helped his cause. Calvin Johnson and Sammy Watkins, uber-talented WRs who have battled lower body injuries and questionable quarterbacking all year rebounded big time this week, posting almost identical FPTS (31+). Jeremy Hill was only mediocre but that is waaaaay better than some of his fantasy outputs this season, and DeAngelo Williams contributed and almost by the way 23.2 FPTS in an amazing game at Seattle.




Final Score: Jared 167.3 (7-5) Aaron 128.8 (5-7)

This is Bullshit vs Pass the Blount

Week 12's Match of the Week (Winning Margin 2.4 FPTS) came down to SNF. Ben put together a good week, led by Chocolate Salty Rawls busting over, around and thru the Steeler's D. Martavis Bryant sped (at 22 MPH according to CBS) around the edge of the Seahawks on this end around.

He paid the price with that hit but it still helped his fantasy day.




When Gronk went down Brady's last remaining professional level pass catcher left the field. Good news is he did not shred his knee, it appears to just be a bone bruise. Bad news is that Seth's QB couldn't connect with anyone after the injury. He still had a very nice day, but I think if Gronk had been on the field for the last part of the game Seth would have caught up. Desean Jackson had only two catches, but this 63 yard TD made up for a lack of volume.

 

Final Score: Ben 106.6 (6-6) Seth 104.2 (4-8)

Yes We Cam Superman vs Super Sonic Shady Dudes

Tyler, I am not ashamed to tell you that you and your FF acumen were a subject of conversation over the holiday weekend. It hearkened back to the conversations at the Brasseale-Hollingsworth wedding: It really sucks that you are such a good dude because we all hate your guts in FF. Once again Tyler is tearing thru the heart of the regular season, with only a single blemish on his record. And the hits just kept coming this week. Blake Bortles didn't play exceptionally, but he did put together a good fantasy day. He might not do quite as well with one of the Alans down with a serious concussion for the foreseeable future. Shady McCoy continues to chug along and not break down like I was sure he would in the preseason. Odell Beckham Jr. had yet another amazing catch, and on this one he did not even need to commit offensive pass interference




DeAndre Hopkins did not strafe the NOLA defense as many thought he would this week, and CJ?K broke his leg. As a fellow member of the "My second RB is hurt and now I am left with dogshit club" rest assured I feel your and his pain.

Speaking of injured legs, I was physically ill on seeing Gronk go down with that helmet to the knee. The only positive is that his leg was not planted and it had the freedom to flex, preventing serious injury. He still collected a touchdown in an incomplete game, and this may be the last spike we see until January




Cam Newton did not need to put up a huge FF day because the damn Panthers D/ST did enough scoring to win the game. Emmanuel Sanders had a nice return from a concussion of his own and showed pretty good chemistry with the new QB Brock IceWater. Jonny's special teams performed very well with a combined 39 FPTS but it was not enough to overcome the rest of his starters. 4 players put up single digits apiece, not good enough to walk away with a W in this league.

Final Score: Tyler 116.7 (11-1) Jonny 113.1 (7-5)

WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!WARNING!

A NEW RECORD FOR PCOG ASS BEATING HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED

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Team Trashbag vs The Smoking Remains of Josh's Pride
Damn. 100+ points separated these two. Really, this is just a complete destruction. Roethlisberger threw for more yards on Seattle's defense than anyone in history. Without playing the whole game. Jarvis Landry is a PPR (1/2) beast. The Falcons, and by extension FNG Blouseless Josh, suck now.

 

All Time Record Setting Margin of Victory: 100.1 FPTS
Final Score: Graham 155.8 (4-8) Husk of a Man 55.7 (7-5)

my body too bootylicious for the east coast vs Broncos Glue Factory

Troy has the honor of also setting a PCOG record. For the second time in a season, he has started a QB who garnered negative points. As the fearful embodiment of injured rosters ( never forget it was Troy who said something about all of FNG Topless Josh's players getting hurt last week) he has cast his curse on my team now. Tony Romo has fallen victim to Troy. I should have told him this before all of this unpleasantness happened

 

Jordan's fortunes have taken a bad turn since Gurley is no longer rushing for 400 yards a game on 978 carries. Lucky for her, Chris Ivory and Jeremy Maclin came to play on sunday. Drew Brees's streak of games with a touchdown pass ended at 45, but it was not enough to keep her from a victory over the Fantasy Football Final Destination Station.

Final Score: Jordan 101.4 (3-9) Troy 90 (4-8)

The last week of the regular season is here. 6 teams will make it to PCOG Postseason for a chance to play for the Chopper. The remaining teams will duke it out in a consolation bracket for the #1 overall draft pick next August. The top two playoff teams will earn a bye, and everyone else will play in a survive and advance tourney. Final draft order will be in inverse order of postseason accomplishment. May the best Commissioner Win.

The Late Edition

First off, apologies for the tardiness of this week's article. I know when things are getting behind when Jared Harris, that known bastion of punctuality, slips me a text message inquiring about how late things are running.




Week 10 was highly entertaining. Several close games, bucking the recent trend of shame inducing blowouts that has recently plagued the PCOG, went right down to the wire. To the Recap!




Week 10 Recap
Pass the Blount vs Eifertgot how to Folkn catch

This game was a back and forth affair that highlights the typical FF team construction in the 2015 PCOG: Studs and Duds. For instance, Ben only had one outstanding performer this week as Martavis Bryant somehow overcame the entry of the Steelers backup QB to rack up 6 catches for 178 yards and a TD for 25.8 FPTS. I bet you are pretty damned happy that I vetoed that trade where you would have sent Bryant off without ever reaping his production now, aren't you?

One hell of a catch.



That brings up the proposed and vetoed trade. Ben traded Andy Dalton to Tyler for Martavis Bryant and Russell Wilson. This went through after the week 9 games (7NOV15). On 12NOV15 Ben attempted to trade Martavis Bryant and Russell Wilson back to Tyler (without even using the recently acquired players) back to Tyler for Blake Bortles and Davante Adams. In effect, Ben would have traded Andy Dalton and dropped Alfred Morris in order to have a cup of coffee with Bryant and Wilson and acquire Blake Bortles and Davante Adams. I vetoed this second deal for one reason. It is not my job to judge the equity of a deal. I fully believe that individual owners have the right to manage their rosters as they see fit, even if that means they do so poorly. Several trades have been approved that I believe were out and out stupid by one party or another. My only measuring stick for trade veto is collusion. It just seemed a little fishy to me for owners to swap players back and forth without even using them. Bryant is a really good WR, and Ben gave up a top-10 QB in order to get him. The trade has been vetoed without any protestation from the involved parties. If you guys think my trade vetting process is unfair, please present alternatives to me via text. I would like to point out that this is only the second trade in PCOG history that has been vetoed. Back to the fun stuff...

One stud, a couple of players with acceptable production (Wilson with 17.3 FPTS, Blount with 19.5, the Steelers D/ST with 15) and two stinkers: Heath Miller posted 6 measly points and Caleb Sturgis with 4. Whip the killer together with the filler and Ben posted a better than average (and second best for the week) 134.5

Studs and Duds ruled supreme on Team Eifert. Carson Palmer had 21.6 against the former best defense in the league and HOLY SHIT ADRIAN PETERSON IS A BEAST

 

80 yards untouched to cap off what was already a great day by my first round pick. This was my approximate reaction watching All Day streak down the field




The game hung in the balance going into Monday Night. I think I was down about 30 points headed into the CIN-HOU matchup, with three players yet to play. AJ Green, beast. Tyler Eifert, the shining jewel of the "take nothing but RB and WR early and everything else late" strategy. The tough Bengals D/ST against the laughable Texans, surely they would be good for a couple turnovers and maybe a TD right?




Dropfest 2015 started around 8:30 pm and did not stop until my dreams were crushed. Tyler Eifert had 2 drops on the season before the game and left with 6. AJ Green went almost 3 full quarters between catching a ball, then went on to fumble AND a dropped TD to boot. This does not even bring up the catching woes of one Mike Evans. He has been known as a 50/50 player, where the QB feels comfortable throwing the ball up for him in a coin flip situation and assuming he would come down with it. Instead he is a 50/50 player where he DROPS HALF OF HIS TARGETS. These three studs are represented below





Final Score: Ben 134.5 (5-5) Andy 131.3 (7-3)

Thick Bitch vs Tauben Time

Bryan has balls of steel. He knows very well in the tales of hallowed PCOG antiquity what happens when you start Kirk Cousins. He has laughed at the misfortune of other managers who inserted the mercurial QB into their lineup only to watch it explode in their face.




Fully knowing this he still persevered in starting him, and this is what he got:

 

I know that clip is from two weeks ago but it is too good to not repurpose for this occasion. Brandin Cooks, a waiver wire castoff, got 28.7 and all of New Orleans' scoring in that same game. That is where the gravy train ends though. Mark Ingram busted off a 70+ yard run but couldn't punch it in from the 2. Alfred Blue ran into the tough Bengals D/ST all Monday Night. Willie Snead caught as many balls from Drew Brees on Sunday as I did. The formidable Rams D/ST got torched by the resurgent Bears. Any of those players could have bridged the gap between Bryan and FNG Shirtless Josh this week, but fell short.

Speaking of FNG Shirtless Josh, he too had a few stinkers. James Jones met Snead catch-for-catch. The #1 performing D/ST in FF, the Denver Broncos, posted a whopping one point. Steffon Diggs and Json Witten were matched examples of mediocrity at 6.9 and 6.7 FPTS respectively. But, FNG Shirtless Josh also had the stud component to offset his duds. Chacandrick West continues to be an able replacement for Jamaal Charles. For the third straight time, he posted 25+ FPTS. Many of those came in this stinky, smelly, garbage time catch and run in the fourth quarter of a game already decided.

 

They all count the same though. Speaking of basura, James Starks' day was saved by the suddenly reeling Packers' last TD drive. Eli Manning performed well in what turned out to be the game of the week. Justin Forsett continues to wonder where all the running lanes from last year are as he struggles against the ineptitude of Baltimore's offense.

Final Score: FNG Josh 117.6 (7-3) Bryan 106.2 (4-6)

The Cursed One vs my body too bootylicious

Ever since this commercial




hit the airwaves, the Green Bay Packers have circled the drain. Jordan has felt much of their pain as her #1 pick, Fat Eddie Lacy, has continued to struggle. She recently doubled down on her Packers bet by trading for strugglebunny Randall Cobb. Todd Gurley has been excellent, but even he had to grind out some tough yards against Chicago this Sunday. It is pretty impressive that a "poor" game for him still totaled 19.4 FPTS. It may not be the incredible production he has totaled since becoming the starter, but it was good enough for RB1 points in Week 10.

Did you know Gurley was an All-American Hurdler in college?



Harris was not that much better this week. Deangelo Williams did not turn a top 5 matchup into top 5 FPTS, Calvin Johnson continues to be criminally underused by Jim Bob Cooter

For Realsies



and Gary Carnage continues to carry his team. Derek Carr's streak of 300+ PAYDS and multiple TDs continued in spite of the gale-force winds swirling around O Co. Coliseum. Jared has to hope that his starting QB and his starting WR1 teams get into a firefight this week as Detroit and Oakland meet, because I don't think that 89.2 FPTS is gonna do it against his opponent this week.




Final Score: Jared 89.2 (would have lost to any other team this weekend 6-4) Jordan 83.2 (2-8)

PCOG Super Bowl Rematch: Super Sonic Shady Odell DeAndre McManuses vs Battered, Pack and Blue

It is appropriate that that Tyler had two players in the Monday Night game. He, and the rest of the football world, saw how AJ Green should be used in DeAndre Hopkins. No matter what the coverage, the noodle-armed slack-jawed Texan QB of the quarter throws it to his best player. Tyler's QB refuses to throw to Green in this manner, and it really grinds my gears. Team SSSOM overcame his terrible QB through Hopkins and ODB. Beckham was largely held in check in his game but managed to get behind the D for this huge scoring play.




If you told me before kickoff that Aaron Rodgers would chuck the ball a Felipe Rios-like 61 times in this game, I would have wondered if we would see a 90 FPT game from him. Instead he only posted a pitiable 23.1. Tyler's Davante Adams was on the receiving end of 21 targets! I don't watch the Pack on TV every Sunday like our Aaron does, but if Mike McCarthy doesn't figure out what is wrong with his offense soon he will be sharing that couch with Mr Breasseale.

Rodgers Missing his Injured Love



Giovani Bernard continues to be the Bengals RB you want, but he continues to give only so-so performances. Ronnie Hillman matches that RB by committee slot, only in blue and orange instead of black and orange. At least you have a playoff bound defense lead by the best linebacker on the planet.




Final Score: Tyler 128.1 (9-1) Aaron 102.6 (4-6)

Trashbag vs Busted Foot Patriot

Graham had a pretty good effort in Week 10. 8/9 starting slots had double digit scoring. Granted, the highest of those was Jonathan Stewart at only 20.6 FPTS but slow and steady can win the race. Marshawn Lynch Beast Moded his way through an abdominal injury but put up only 13.5 FPTS against the stingy Arizona D/ST. The Vikings did contribute a touchdown on this Cordarrelle Patterson kick return

 


Seth has followed the lead of Bryan and Aaron, putting most of his chips on one team. Unfortunately his Patriots did not contrive up a win any more than Bryan's Saints or Aaron's Packers. Tom Brady did his 100%. 334 PAYDS and two scores were only lessened by his two turnovers. Julian Edelman was doing pretty well until he succumbed to a broken foot in the first half. James White has done all he needs to do to prove that he is not in fact Dion Lewis 2.0 DeMarco Murray has rebounded from early season woes very well, posting 20+ FPTS in 4/5 of his past games. Darren McFadden, his replacement in Big D, could not capitalize against a mediocre Buc's D/ST and only put up 11.6 FPTS. All in all Seth just didn't have the horses to hang with the Team Teddy Graham.




Final Score: Graham 120.7 (3-7) Seth 102.9 (4-6)

Negative Horsepower vs Yes We Cam Superman

The Fivehead giveth and the Fivehead taketh away. In Week 10 he tooketh away 7.6 FPTS. Manning completed 5 passes to the Broncos and 4 to the Chiefs. He is donzeo.You need to find a replacement ASAP. Jeremy Langford is the replacement for the Forte Year Old RB and damn he looks good. He can run, he can catch, he scores at will. All of this against a good Rams D/ST. He has another stiff test this week against the Broncos D AND Forte may play this week. It was good while it lasted bud. Eric Decker continues to catch TDs and Yeldon fought through a tough foot injury which might sideline him tonight against the Titans. Josh Brown Destroyer of Worlds is the second best K in FF this year, have fun replacing 16 FPTS of production this week as the Giants are on a bye.




Jonny seems to be on a roll. Lamar Miller put up 20+ FPTS against an incredible Philly run defense, Gronk Robkowski cannot be contained, Cam Newton is the best goal line RB in the league and Antonio Brown is good at celebrating.




That one came at the end of a 56 yard touchdown. It helped to overcome Emmanuel Sanders' big fat squadoosh against KC. Charles Sims couldn't get anything going against the Cowboys despite what seemed like 40 pass targets more than 10 yards downfield. Jonny should have gotten negative FPTS for the Ravens D/ST on this stupid penalty that put Jax in position for the game winning kick:




But that is not how our scoring system works, and instead he got points for the sack. It is Fantasy Football after all, not Madden.

Final Score: Peyton Manning -7.6 (benched) Troy 122.3 (3-7) Jonny 134.7 (6-4)

Week 11 Preview

9-Line Superfine: (Andy 7-3 vs Jared 6-4)
Bride Battles Best Man (Jordan 2-8 vs Bryan 4-6)
Seth's Old Roommate vs Current Roommate: (Aaron 4-6 vs Ben 5-5)
Panthers Fans Fight it Out (Jonny 6-4 vs Graham 3-7)
More Jokes I can't think of right now: Seth 4-6 vs Tyler 9-1,FNG Shirtless Josh 7-3 vs Troy 3-7 

Only three weeks remain until the FF Postseason begins. Make trades, scour the WW and stock up on the essentials because Winter is Coming.

And Boom Goes the Dynamite

After a month of horrifying injuries to RBs, Week 9 came and went without anyone's roster acting like a Jenga tower. 2 blowouts, one moderate win, a couple close games, and one roster move that ended up jacking up my BP by about 200 points. Week 9 kicked off with a brilliant but disgusting switcheroo. I read the text and thought "Damn, He ain't gonna be in Rush Hour 3." Then, after seeing the reactions from the Panthers fans I clicked on the link like a fool. Instant disgust overwhelmed me, and I blacked out as a defense reflex. I regained consciousness approximately 15 minutes later to my phone blowing up with the PCOG's response to this affront. Swiping right to get that giant donger out of the way and allowing my passcode to be entered, I read a couple of brilliant lines. They will be entered here, into the official record and history of the PCOG, for posterity:

Graham: WTF
Troy:Damn You.
Jared: WTF
...
Bryan: Dude you guys suck
Jared: I trust no link I receive from this group
Graham: The trust factor is gone
Andy: Once I had a belief in the inherent goodness in people.Then my eyes were poked out by a giant anteater dick.
Aaron: Son of a Bitch
Graham: We've been blinded by the black dick of deception
...
Josh: Jesus Christ I was alreadly legally blind now I'm fucking Hellen Keller

We have all learned something from this disgusting episode: If you have not pulled this prank on all of your buddies by now, you are a failure as a football fan and as an adult. Now back to your regularly scheduled recap.But first, a public service announcement from the snack vendors:

 

Week 9 Recap

Stannis's Fiery Hearts Club vs Super Sonic Shady Dudes

This game is why FF is so fun. Both sides entered the contest at less than 100%. Tyler was without the top FF WR (entering the week) as he was on bye, and my steely eyed bombchucker was golfing with his strong legged kicker friend in sunny Arizona. The appropriate roster juggling was completed and we kicked off on Thursday night. Tyler Trifert snagged three touchdowns against the lowly Browns and added to my Bengals bump: I was up approximately 40 FPTS headed into Sunday's action. Saturday night I realized my kicker would'nt be suiting up and made a snap decision. "The Bucs have attempted the most FGs this year, but Nick Folk has a Civil War re-enactor at QB. He will kick way more FGs this week. Plus, its a kicker slot. Who Cares???"

General Ryan FitzPatrick, NY 14th Rifles



THE FANTASY GODS CARE. NICK FUCKING FOLK INJURED HIS QUAD DURING WARMUPS, PREVENTING HIM FROM KICKING. BUT SINCE "HOLDING" DOES NOT REQUIRE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A PULSE, THEY DID NOT DEACTIVATE HIM. WHICH MEANS THAT I DID NOT GET A NOTICE ON MY PHONE THAT HE WOULD'NT BE KICKING! WHICH MEANS HE GOT EXACTLY NONE POINTS!ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Of course, Christine Michael also got zero snaps for zilch touches, no yards and nil points. Mike Evans dropping the most balls in modern NFL single-game history hurt as well. Even with these anchors, the game was absurdedly close headed into Monday Night. Tyler had Martellus Bennett and a 9+ lead, and I had Alshon Jefferey. I watched the game with one eye, cramming hard for a Spanish test this morning. I did have enough multitasking to curse the heavens with terrible invective every time Bennett caught the ball instead of my hulking WR. He caught this one with one hand, using the other to casually choke the life out of my team this week.




Shady McCoy's internal containment field held together just long enough to scamper for 100+ yards and a TD. Frank Gore fought off the previously undefeated Broncos defenders with a novel idea: Run it up the middle till they stop you (which Denver could not do). Jordan Fucking Reed caught the slimiest of garbage time TDs against the Pats with 25 seconds left in a game that was over before it kicked off. But that's why they play the games. The Fantasy Gods, that is. They play games with our heads, our hearts, and our fragile emotional state.




Final Score: Tyler 134.3 (8-1) Andy 128.6 (7-2)

WARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWA
A new record for margin of victory has been established
ARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWAR

Yes We Cam Superman vs Thick Bitchslapped

This is gonna be short and sweet, like the amount of time this match was still a contest. Cam Freaking Newton strafed the Packers for 4 total TDs. Lamar Miller loves the Dan Campbell experience, averaging 31 FPTS per game since he took over as coach of the Dolphins. The real revelation was Antonio Brown. 17 catches, 284 yards, and zero fucks given propelling Jonny and the Steelers to wins this week. Jonny might have to change his name back though as Big Bruise, I mean Big Ben got hurt again.

The Reason Rodgers threw his tablet at the end of the game



Bryan didn't have a bad game. But he did not have a historic game. Starting 4 Saints and 3 Chargers ties your team invariably to the outcomes of those games

 

Final Score: Jonny 184.2! (5-4) Bryan 93.6 (4-5) Record Setting Margin of Victory 90.6FPTS

Tauben Time vs The Cursed One

Shirtless FNG Josh had the stones and foresight to start James Starks, a backup player (or is he) against a tough D. Starks rewarded him with 23.7 FPTS of production, most of it in an incredible comeback catching the ball against the Panthers. Somehow the Falcons lost to the 9ers despite Devonta Freeman and Julio Jones continuing to ball out. Stefon Diggs came back to Earth in a big way, only getting 5.7 FPTS in a blustery day against the Rams. The Broncos D/ST scored their 5th TD of the year but allowed the Colts to stay on the field for 39 minutes (bunch of bums). Eli Manning, that mouth breathing buffoon,

 

continued his hot/cold streak by following up a 41.5 FPT performance with a 12.7 stinker. Jared continued HIS hot/cold streak by starting Deangelo Williams after Le'Veon Bell got hurt. And damn, did Williams show up. 225 total yards and two TDs served up 46.3 FPTS, or the third highest non QB performance of the season. But that was not all. Sammy Watkins caught 92.81767955801105% of the yardage that Tyrod Taylor threw for this week and Derek Carr had back to back 4 TD 300+ yard games. Danny Woodhead continues to make NFL scouts look bad every week. It wasn't all peaches and cream as Malcolm Floyd hurt his shoulder and Gary Carnage's hot streak finally ended. It was good enough to show a daisy fresh FNG exactly what the Green Weenie tastes and feels like though.

Final Score: Jared 158.4 (5-4) FNG Josh 116.7 (6-3)

my body to bootylicious vs Not So Hot Anymore

Ben is a pioneer. He is trying an unheard of tactic of win three in a row, lose 5 in a row, and now is trying to string a couple W's together




He was helped in getting back on track by Andrew Luck remembering how to throw TDs without also tossing INTs. 22.5 FPTS was a solid top-ten performance for a QB this week. Latavius Murray, at least one genius has said, is officially matchup-proof. Unless the matchup is his squishy brain against his unrelenting internal cranial wall. Murray left with a concussion. Legarrette Blount stepped in for the now out-for-the-season Dion Lewis to pummel the 'Skins into pink paste with bruising runs like this one




Jordan had a great start to Sunday. Early morning tailgating

 

and Drew Brees's hot streak must have felt good. Plus, Todd "I am literally the entire offense" Gurley ground out 24.4 hard FPTS against the stifling Vikings and Chris Ivory continues to be a wrecking ball. Fat Eddie Lacy sucks out loud though. .3 FPTS is what a back of his skill and fantasy first round pedigree should average per touch, not per game. Speaking of packing it in, GB's D/ST got strafed by that offensive juggernaught, The Carolina Newtons. Yall were at the game though, I hope you had a good time.

Final Score: Ben 119.5 (4-5) Jordan 99.8 (2-7)

Cheeseheads Maybe they Cam vs Team Trashbag
How unlucky can a guy get? Graham lost Dion Lewis (rest of season) and Big Bruise (god knows) on the same day. Johnathan Stewart had a red zone TD vultured by his giant QB and Allen Robinson could not find that cherry (a TD) to put on top of his Ice Cream Sunday (that was so lame I could not resist). Vernon Davis is still learning the Broncos playbook and Mike Tomlin isn't sure the Steeler's DBs know the playbook after not covering Amari Cooper for his score




The bulk of Aaron's scoring came from three players: Aaron Rodgers, Randall Cobb (about time!) and White Walker Dez Bryant. He is a football zombie, reincarnated with miraculous powers like levitation




and thankfully not getting hurt again. I am so happy to see him back in action. Both will agree that Graham is the happier of the two this weekend though as his NFL team smashed Aaron's team for 3 and a half quarters.

Final Score: Carolina 37 (8-0 Green Bay 29 (6-2)



Seth, I will not type that no matter if it is true
vs Broncos Glue Factory

First things first. I'm the realest. Next, Seth,

 

Seth lost

Troy picked up Jeremy Langford because being the presumptive Sacko has its privileges. He had a huge game against the Bolts, racking up 140+ total yards in his first career start. TJ Yeldon and Eric Decker continued their middle of the road performance arc and Peyton Manning lit it up by his lowly standards. Holy Shitballs Troy's kicker had a game. 4-4 FG and 2 XP add up to 17 points, or about what I was expecting from Nick Fucking Folk.

Final Score: Troy 133.6 (3-6) Seth 111.2 (4-5)

Week 10 Preview
Carson Comes Home To Roost: Andy 7-2 vs Ben 4-5
Hey Rook, Didn't your Mama teach you to Chug? Bryan 4-5 vs FNG Josh 6-3
Harris hassles Her: Jared 5-4 vs Jordan 2-7
Championship Rematch: Tyler 8-1 vs Aaron 4-5
Pitcher against Panther: Seth is dead to me vs Graham 2-7
SuperCam and QB Kryptonite (PFM): Jonny 5-4 vs Troy 3-6

There is now one month left in the 2015 Regular Season. I hope yall have enjoyed it as much as I have but there is some bad news. Game of Thrones will not start until the END of April this year, which will mean that it seems longer until Winter is Over.

A Pair of Colossi

Week 8 ended with two teams alone atop their respective divisions, crushing their opposition, unchallenged in their might. Tyler and Your Humble Commissioner are each 7-1, with more than 100 FPTS more points scored than against. FNG Josh is represented below




Formidable, but not nearly as awe-inspiring as the two giants. To the Recap!

 

Week 8 Recap

Super Sonic Hula Odells vs My Body Too Bootylicious

In case you didn't know, the day after Halloween is All Saint's Day. Sunday in the NFL was All Saints Catch a TD Day. Unfortunately for Jordan, her Saints was on the bench. Drew Brees threw 7 touchdowns in a shootout




against the Giants. He scored more on Sunday than he did in the previous three weeks combined. Marques "Why am I even on a FF roster" Colston also returned from the dead to score 25.4 FPTS, or 6 fewer than the rest of his season combined. But neither of those two players suited up for Jordan this week. Instead, she rolled out the best (by process of knee injury elimination) RB in the sport: Todd MF Gurley. Gurley had 19 carries for 62 yards and this gem. 71 yards untouched, TD



He ended up with his fourth straight game of over 125 rushing yards. I was going to suggest we move to a keeper league, but I will not make that change until this human wrecking ball is on my roster. Jordan had a chance headed into Monday night to catch up to her brother, and Coby Fleener (13.8 FPTS) did his damndest. But TY Hilton's paltry one catch for 15 yards killed her comeback attempt.

Hilton knocking Jordan out of the contest



Tyler's team had a pretty good day. 5 players of 15+ FPTS is a solid start to any matchup. Martellus Bennett and Martavis Bryant disappointed only by their own lofty standards. The Lions D/ST got shelled by the Chiefs but were saved by constantly returning kickoffs when KC scored. The real star, no surprise, was ODB. Beckham caught 2 touchdowns in the first half and ended up with 39 points in a NOLA homecoming. Maybe he handed out Jesus Juice to opposing DBs.




Final Score: Tyler 134.7 (7-1) Jordan 109.6 (2-6)

Broncos Glue Factory vs Seagram's 7 and Ginger Ale

Because this game featured so many players from the Sunday Night game that I'm gonna do both teams in one go. It could have featured one more Bronco, the stud himself PFM. Troy opted to bench him because he has been such a raging disappointment this season. Starting Ryan Fitzpatrick was a risk, and it could have blown up in his face. Instead he rolled out CJ Anderson. CJ freakin Anderson, who was announced to not be the starter on Wednesday. Worked for Troy though. 22.6 FPTS would have been a standard day at the park for him last year, but this year is cause for celebration bitches.

Demaryius Thomas did not find the end zone. Again. But 168 receiving yards does much to alleviate that little oversight. Aaron, Green Bay Packer fan, has done his best to stack his fantasy team full of his favorite team's players. I certainly thought that GB would do work against Denver's tough D/ST. How could Aaron Rogers, reigning MVP, not put up a good score?




Rodgers=squadoosh
Randall Cobb, dealing with the double teams a #1 WR gets in the NFL for the first time?=bupkis
Richard Rodgers, giant red zone target?



This game, and FF match, was over as soon as toe met ball at Mile High

Final Score: Troy 106.1 (2-6) Aaron 93.1 (3-5)

Too Hot to Randle? Released! vs Tauben Time

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/14044465/joseph-randle-released-dallas-cowboys

Ben's descent into Fantasy Football madness has not yet reached rock bottom. After a promising 3-0 start, he is barreling straight towards the bottom. He does have a good team, but a couple of questionable roster decisions have left him hamstrung. By all means keep Latavius Murray though. After gaining 100+ yards against an unyielding NY Jets D/ST he is matchup-proof. Larry Fitz is also a great player, and you might have had the last late great gasp of Heath Miller's career. He snagged 10 passes for 105 yards and 16.5 FPTS. Andy Dalton screwed you bud. Going into what should have been a good opportunity against Pittsburgh, he instead shat the bed.

 

Josh knocked it out of the park this week. 4 players with 20+ FPTS and almost a fifth. For the first time in seemingly a month, Devonta Freeman was not your highest scoring Falcon. Julio and Matty Ice got their groove back, even with a combined 3 turnovers. Charcandrick West looks like a real RB (by depleted 2015 standards at least) and Stefon Diggs is on a month long tear.




About the only stinker, and upon closer examination, the only player of Josh's to not register double digit FPTS was Jason Witten. With this bum wobbling him passes though, can you blame him?




Final Score: Josh 153.3 (6-2) Ben 104.1 (3-5)

The Cursed One vs Where Art Thou Roethlisberger

This pairing was decided by the PITT-CIN game. In one corner is a man happy to have his QB back. In another is a blubbering wreck of a man, cursed by Fantasy Gods and bad matchups alike. Jared briefly climbed above .500, only to sink back to the depths he has plumbed since losing to Bryan in the 2013 Championship. It wasn't his fault though, Le'Veon Bell going down scuttled any chance he had this week. This has been a terrible month for FF RBs. First Jamaal, then Arian, now Bell AND Forte (we'll get to him later). This only reinforces my belief that RBs are like Doritos: you can never have enough. Lucky for Jared he does not have to beat off the hordes in the WW as he already has Deangelo Williams. Jared and the 49ers both shitcanned Sackorpick this weekend, and Jared rolled out Teddy Ballgame as a replacement.




He has pretty good dance moves, but does not pass the ball enough to be a starting QB in FF. Calvin Johnson did not get traded to a real NFL team but should still be pretty good going forward. GARY FREAKING BARNIDGE IS THE BEST SCORING TE NOT NAMED GRONK ROBKOWSKI IN THE LEAGUE! So you have some hope, but I know you are feeling like this right about now.




Speaking of his Gronkness, Jonny has him and is happy to steamroll his opponents every week using him. 4/7 of his games this year resulted in 20+ FPTS. It is now official, the man is not human. He is a Terminator.

 


Roethlisberger came back for Jonny's #1 draft pick (Cue the name change) and Antonio Brown sure is happy. He did not have many yards or catches but the TD saved his day. Emmanuel Sanders was the only Bronco to not score copiously against the Pack, but the Chiefs D/ST, Cam and Shane Vereen lit up the scoreboard with over 15 FPTS each. This could have been a closer game but unfortunately the Bell tolls for knee this week Jared.

Final Score: Jonny 129.3 (4-4) Jared 108 (4-4)

Stannis's Fiery Hearts Club vs Team Trashbag




Final Score: Andy 141.1 (7-1) Graham (2-6)

GAME OF THE WEEK
Thick Bitch vs Hyde yo Kids Hyde yo wife

In the second closest game of the season, Bryan and Seth pounded away at each other for the full 12 rounds, climaxing only on Monday night.




Bryan could have had a higher margin of victory* if Matt Forte hadn't gone down with an MCL sprain/tear/owie. He still collected 11.4 FPTS before getting carted off. Mark Ingram did the dirty work in the shootout with the Giants, going for 119 total yards on 20 touches (17.9 FPTS) Ben Watson did the glamorous work against those same Giants, with 147 yards on 9 catches and a score. Pretty good WW move there Bryan






Even TB's special teams got in the mix, contributing 21 FPTS. That leaves only...
YOUR WRS ARE HOT GARBAGE. 2.8 FPTS from Donte "The one not covered by Josh Norman" Moncrief and 3.8 from Stevie "The one with an intact spleen" Johnson. You need to make a trade, pronto.

Seth watched his big Thursday night lead (65.6 FPTS from Brady, Edelman and Matthews) evaporate Sunday. He continued to ride Darren McFadden until his legs invariably explode, like the delicate glass latticework they are, for 19.3 FPTS. The game came down to a race between Greg Olsen and the aforementioned Moncrief. Olsen did some big damage, with this TD contributing a lot of it.




It wasn't enough though, now Seths only recourse is to pray for a stat adjustment

 

Final*Score*: Bryan 125.1 (4*-4) Seth 123.9* (4-4*)
*Pending any stat adjustments, which go final Saturday morning

Week 9 Preview

Something Funny (Jordan 2-6 vs Ben 3-5)
He's on Fire vs Team's on Fire (Josh 6-2 vs Jared 4-4)
Vikings Alumni go Berserk (Aaron 3-5 vs Graham 2-6)
Taco vs Sacko (Seth 4-4* vs Troy 2-6)
Blackout Saturday Buddies Battle (Bryan 4*-4 vs Jonny 4-4)
*Pending any stat adjustments, which go final Saturday morning

AND IN THE MAIN EVENT, FOR #1 SEED (SO FAR) IN THE PCOG,

OLDER BROTHERS 'OLD GRUDGES
WHOSE HEAT IS HOTTER-HUTTON OR HOLLINGSWORTH
THE UNSTOPPABLE FORCE vs THE IMMOVABLE OBJECT
Andy 7 in a motherfuckin row-1 vs Tyler 7-1

The WW is barren of any talent. Trades are harder to consumate than Tom Cruise's marriage. Do your best to bolster your team because Winter is Coming and 6! teams are on bye this week.