And Boom Goes the Dynamite
After a month of horrifying injuries to RBs, Week 9 came and went without anyone's roster acting like a Jenga tower. 2 blowouts, one moderate win, a couple close games, and one roster move that ended up jacking up my BP by about 200 points. Week 9 kicked off with a brilliant but disgusting switcheroo. I read the text and thought "Damn, He ain't gonna be in Rush Hour 3." Then, after seeing the reactions from the Panthers fans I clicked on the link like a fool. Instant disgust overwhelmed me, and I blacked out as a defense reflex. I regained consciousness approximately 15 minutes later to my phone blowing up with the PCOG's response to this affront. Swiping right to get that giant donger out of the way and allowing my passcode to be entered, I read a couple of brilliant lines. They will be entered here, into the official record and history of the PCOG, for posterity:
Graham: WTF
Troy:Damn You.
Jared: WTF
...
Bryan: Dude you guys suck
Jared: I trust no link I receive from this group
Graham: The trust factor is gone
Andy: Once I had a belief in the inherent goodness in people.Then my eyes were poked out by a giant anteater dick.
Aaron: Son of a Bitch
Graham: We've been blinded by the black dick of deception
...
Josh: Jesus Christ I was alreadly legally blind now I'm fucking Hellen Keller
We have all learned something from this disgusting episode: If you have not pulled this prank on all of your buddies by now, you are a failure as a football fan and as an adult. Now back to your regularly scheduled recap.But first, a public service announcement from the snack vendors:
Week 9 Recap
Stannis's Fiery Hearts Club vs Super Sonic Shady Dudes
This game is why FF is so fun. Both sides entered the contest at less than 100%. Tyler was without the top FF WR (entering the week) as he was on bye, and my steely eyed bombchucker was golfing with his strong legged kicker friend in sunny Arizona. The appropriate roster juggling was completed and we kicked off on Thursday night. Tyler Trifert snagged three touchdowns against the lowly Browns and added to my Bengals bump: I was up approximately 40 FPTS headed into Sunday's action. Saturday night I realized my kicker would'nt be suiting up and made a snap decision. "The Bucs have attempted the most FGs this year, but Nick Folk has a Civil War re-enactor at QB. He will kick way more FGs this week. Plus, its a kicker slot. Who Cares???"
General Ryan FitzPatrick, NY 14th Rifles
THE FANTASY GODS CARE. NICK FUCKING FOLK INJURED HIS QUAD DURING WARMUPS, PREVENTING HIM FROM KICKING. BUT SINCE "HOLDING" DOES NOT REQUIRE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A PULSE, THEY DID NOT DEACTIVATE HIM. WHICH MEANS THAT I DID NOT GET A NOTICE ON MY PHONE THAT HE WOULD'NT BE KICKING! WHICH MEANS HE GOT EXACTLY NONE POINTS!ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Of course, Christine Michael also got zero snaps for zilch touches, no yards and nil points. Mike Evans dropping the most balls in modern NFL single-game history hurt as well. Even with these anchors, the game was absurdedly close headed into Monday Night. Tyler had Martellus Bennett and a 9+ lead, and I had Alshon Jefferey. I watched the game with one eye, cramming hard for a Spanish test this morning. I did have enough multitasking to curse the heavens with terrible invective every time Bennett caught the ball instead of my hulking WR. He caught this one with one hand, using the other to casually choke the life out of my team this week.
Shady McCoy's internal containment field held together just long enough to scamper for 100+ yards and a TD. Frank Gore fought off the previously undefeated Broncos defenders with a novel idea: Run it up the middle till they stop you (which Denver could not do). Jordan Fucking Reed caught the slimiest of garbage time TDs against the Pats with 25 seconds left in a game that was over before it kicked off. But that's why they play the games. The Fantasy Gods, that is. They play games with our heads, our hearts, and our fragile emotional state.
Final Score: Tyler 134.3 (8-1) Andy 128.6 (7-2)
WARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWA
A new record for margin of victory has been established
ARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWAR
Yes We Cam Superman vs Thick Bitchslapped
This is gonna be short and sweet, like the amount of time this match was still a contest. Cam Freaking Newton strafed the Packers for 4 total TDs. Lamar Miller loves the Dan Campbell experience, averaging 31 FPTS per game since he took over as coach of the Dolphins. The real revelation was Antonio Brown. 17 catches, 284 yards, and zero fucks given propelling Jonny and the Steelers to wins this week. Jonny might have to change his name back though as Big Bruise, I mean Big Ben got hurt again.
The Reason Rodgers threw his tablet at the end of the game
Bryan didn't have a bad game. But he did not have a historic game. Starting 4 Saints and 3 Chargers ties your team invariably to the outcomes of those games
Final Score: Jonny 184.2! (5-4) Bryan 93.6 (4-5) Record Setting Margin of Victory 90.6FPTS
Tauben Time vs The Cursed One
Shirtless FNG Josh had the stones and foresight to start James Starks, a backup player (or is he) against a tough D. Starks rewarded him with 23.7 FPTS of production, most of it in an incredible comeback catching the ball against the Panthers. Somehow the Falcons lost to the 9ers despite Devonta Freeman and Julio Jones continuing to ball out. Stefon Diggs came back to Earth in a big way, only getting 5.7 FPTS in a blustery day against the Rams. The Broncos D/ST scored their 5th TD of the year but allowed the Colts to stay on the field for 39 minutes (bunch of bums). Eli Manning, that mouth breathing buffoon,
continued his hot/cold streak by following up a 41.5 FPT performance with a 12.7 stinker. Jared continued HIS hot/cold streak by starting Deangelo Williams after Le'Veon Bell got hurt. And damn, did Williams show up. 225 total yards and two TDs served up 46.3 FPTS, or the third highest non QB performance of the season. But that was not all. Sammy Watkins caught 92.81767955801105% of the yardage that Tyrod Taylor threw for this week and Derek Carr had back to back 4 TD 300+ yard games. Danny Woodhead continues to make NFL scouts look bad every week. It wasn't all peaches and cream as Malcolm Floyd hurt his shoulder and Gary Carnage's hot streak finally ended. It was good enough to show a daisy fresh FNG exactly what the Green Weenie tastes and feels like though.
Final Score: Jared 158.4 (5-4) FNG Josh 116.7 (6-3)
my body to bootylicious vs Not So Hot Anymore
Ben is a pioneer. He is trying an unheard of tactic of win three in a row, lose 5 in a row, and now is trying to string a couple W's together
He was helped in getting back on track by Andrew Luck remembering how to throw TDs without also tossing INTs. 22.5 FPTS was a solid top-ten performance for a QB this week. Latavius Murray, at least one genius has said, is officially matchup-proof. Unless the matchup is his squishy brain against his unrelenting internal cranial wall. Murray left with a concussion. Legarrette Blount stepped in for the now out-for-the-season Dion Lewis to pummel the 'Skins into pink paste with bruising runs like this one
Jordan had a great start to Sunday. Early morning tailgating
and Drew Brees's hot streak must have felt good. Plus, Todd "I am literally the entire offense" Gurley ground out 24.4 hard FPTS against the stifling Vikings and Chris Ivory continues to be a wrecking ball. Fat Eddie Lacy sucks out loud though. .3 FPTS is what a back of his skill and fantasy first round pedigree should average per touch, not per game. Speaking of packing it in, GB's D/ST got strafed by that offensive juggernaught, The Carolina Newtons. Yall were at the game though, I hope you had a good time.
Final Score: Ben 119.5 (4-5) Jordan 99.8 (2-7)
Cheeseheads Maybe they Cam vs Team Trashbag
How unlucky can a guy get? Graham lost Dion Lewis (rest of season) and Big Bruise (god knows) on the same day. Johnathan Stewart had a red zone TD vultured by his giant QB and Allen Robinson could not find that cherry (a TD) to put on top of his Ice Cream Sunday (that was so lame I could not resist). Vernon Davis is still learning the Broncos playbook and Mike Tomlin isn't sure the Steeler's DBs know the playbook after not covering Amari Cooper for his score
The bulk of Aaron's scoring came from three players: Aaron Rodgers, Randall Cobb (about time!) and White Walker Dez Bryant. He is a football zombie, reincarnated with miraculous powers like levitation
and thankfully not getting hurt again. I am so happy to see him back in action. Both will agree that Graham is the happier of the two this weekend though as his NFL team smashed Aaron's team for 3 and a half quarters.
Final Score: Carolina 37 (8-0 Green Bay 29 (6-2)
Seth, I will not type that no matter if it is true
vs Broncos Glue Factory
First things first. I'm the realest. Next, Seth,
Seth lost
Troy picked up Jeremy Langford because being the presumptive Sacko has its privileges. He had a huge game against the Bolts, racking up 140+ total yards in his first career start. TJ Yeldon and Eric Decker continued their middle of the road performance arc and Peyton Manning lit it up by his lowly standards. Holy Shitballs Troy's kicker had a game. 4-4 FG and 2 XP add up to 17 points, or about what I was expecting from Nick Fucking Folk.
Final Score: Troy 133.6 (3-6) Seth 111.2 (4-5)
Week 10 Preview
Carson Comes Home To Roost: Andy 7-2 vs Ben 4-5
Hey Rook, Didn't your Mama teach you to Chug? Bryan 4-5 vs FNG Josh 6-3
Harris hassles Her: Jared 5-4 vs Jordan 2-7
Championship Rematch: Tyler 8-1 vs Aaron 4-5
Pitcher against Panther: Seth is dead to me vs Graham 2-7
SuperCam and QB Kryptonite (PFM): Jonny 5-4 vs Troy 3-6
There is now one month left in the 2015 Regular Season. I hope yall have enjoyed it as much as I have but there is some bad news. Game of Thrones will not start until the END of April this year, which will mean that it seems longer until Winter is Over.
A new record for margin of victory has been established
ARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWARNINGWAR
Yes We Cam Superman vs Thick Bitchslapped
This is gonna be short and sweet, like the amount of time this match was still a contest. Cam Freaking Newton strafed the Packers for 4 total TDs. Lamar Miller loves the Dan Campbell experience, averaging 31 FPTS per game since he took over as coach of the Dolphins. The real revelation was Antonio Brown. 17 catches, 284 yards, and zero fucks given propelling Jonny and the Steelers to wins this week. Jonny might have to change his name back though as Big Bruise, I mean Big Ben got hurt again.
The Reason Rodgers threw his tablet at the end of the game
Bryan didn't have a bad game. But he did not have a historic game. Starting 4 Saints and 3 Chargers ties your team invariably to the outcomes of those games
Final Score: Jonny 184.2! (5-4) Bryan 93.6 (4-5) Record Setting Margin of Victory 90.6FPTS
Tauben Time vs The Cursed One
Shirtless FNG Josh had the stones and foresight to start James Starks, a backup player (or is he) against a tough D. Starks rewarded him with 23.7 FPTS of production, most of it in an incredible comeback catching the ball against the Panthers. Somehow the Falcons lost to the 9ers despite Devonta Freeman and Julio Jones continuing to ball out. Stefon Diggs came back to Earth in a big way, only getting 5.7 FPTS in a blustery day against the Rams. The Broncos D/ST scored their 5th TD of the year but allowed the Colts to stay on the field for 39 minutes (bunch of bums). Eli Manning, that mouth breathing buffoon,
continued his hot/cold streak by following up a 41.5 FPT performance with a 12.7 stinker. Jared continued HIS hot/cold streak by starting Deangelo Williams after Le'Veon Bell got hurt. And damn, did Williams show up. 225 total yards and two TDs served up 46.3 FPTS, or the third highest non QB performance of the season. But that was not all. Sammy Watkins caught 92.81767955801105% of the yardage that Tyrod Taylor threw for this week and Derek Carr had back to back 4 TD 300+ yard games. Danny Woodhead continues to make NFL scouts look bad every week. It wasn't all peaches and cream as Malcolm Floyd hurt his shoulder and Gary Carnage's hot streak finally ended. It was good enough to show a daisy fresh FNG exactly what the Green Weenie tastes and feels like though.
Final Score: Jared 158.4 (5-4) FNG Josh 116.7 (6-3)
my body to bootylicious vs Not So Hot Anymore
Ben is a pioneer. He is trying an unheard of tactic of win three in a row, lose 5 in a row, and now is trying to string a couple W's together
He was helped in getting back on track by Andrew Luck remembering how to throw TDs without also tossing INTs. 22.5 FPTS was a solid top-ten performance for a QB this week. Latavius Murray, at least one genius has said, is officially matchup-proof. Unless the matchup is his squishy brain against his unrelenting internal cranial wall. Murray left with a concussion. Legarrette Blount stepped in for the now out-for-the-season Dion Lewis to pummel the 'Skins into pink paste with bruising runs like this one
Jordan had a great start to Sunday. Early morning tailgating
and Drew Brees's hot streak must have felt good. Plus, Todd "I am literally the entire offense" Gurley ground out 24.4 hard FPTS against the stifling Vikings and Chris Ivory continues to be a wrecking ball. Fat Eddie Lacy sucks out loud though. .3 FPTS is what a back of his skill and fantasy first round pedigree should average per touch, not per game. Speaking of packing it in, GB's D/ST got strafed by that offensive juggernaught, The Carolina Newtons. Yall were at the game though, I hope you had a good time.
Final Score: Ben 119.5 (4-5) Jordan 99.8 (2-7)
Cheeseheads Maybe they Cam vs Team Trashbag
How unlucky can a guy get? Graham lost Dion Lewis (rest of season) and Big Bruise (god knows) on the same day. Johnathan Stewart had a red zone TD vultured by his giant QB and Allen Robinson could not find that cherry (a TD) to put on top of his Ice Cream Sunday (that was so lame I could not resist). Vernon Davis is still learning the Broncos playbook and Mike Tomlin isn't sure the Steeler's DBs know the playbook after not covering Amari Cooper for his score
The bulk of Aaron's scoring came from three players: Aaron Rodgers, Randall Cobb (about time!) and White Walker Dez Bryant. He is a football zombie, reincarnated with miraculous powers like levitation
and thankfully not getting hurt again. I am so happy to see him back in action. Both will agree that Graham is the happier of the two this weekend though as his NFL team smashed Aaron's team for 3 and a half quarters.
Final Score: Carolina 37 (8-0 Green Bay 29 (6-2)
Seth, I will not type that no matter if it is true
vs Broncos Glue Factory
First things first. I'm the realest. Next, Seth,
Seth lost
Troy picked up Jeremy Langford because being the presumptive Sacko has its privileges. He had a huge game against the Bolts, racking up 140+ total yards in his first career start. TJ Yeldon and Eric Decker continued their middle of the road performance arc and Peyton Manning lit it up by his lowly standards. Holy Shitballs Troy's kicker had a game. 4-4 FG and 2 XP add up to 17 points, or about what I was expecting from Nick Fucking Folk.
Final Score: Troy 133.6 (3-6) Seth 111.2 (4-5)
Week 10 Preview
Carson Comes Home To Roost: Andy 7-2 vs Ben 4-5
Hey Rook, Didn't your Mama teach you to Chug? Bryan 4-5 vs FNG Josh 6-3
Harris hassles Her: Jared 5-4 vs Jordan 2-7
Championship Rematch: Tyler 8-1 vs Aaron 4-5
Pitcher against Panther: Seth is dead to me vs Graham 2-7
SuperCam and QB Kryptonite (PFM): Jonny 5-4 vs Troy 3-6
There is now one month left in the 2015 Regular Season. I hope yall have enjoyed it as much as I have but there is some bad news. Game of Thrones will not start until the END of April this year, which will mean that it seems longer until Winter is Over.
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