The Plot Thickens

Fantasy Football is pain. Either your fantasy team craps the bed and your NFL team struggles on the field, or your fantasy team squeaks out a win and your NFL team abandons the run because Brandon Freaking Weeden does not have an attempt longer than 8 yards on average, leading the suddenly competent Atlanta Falcons to throw thirteen men in the box. Speaking of abysmal QB play, yet another star signal caller went down with a gruesome injury that will leave him on the shelf and unable to allegedly assault a pair of women for 4-6 weeks. This lead to a black market of QB trade offers erupting on our group text, which was about as savory as an interstate request for potent potables over an unsecured comms line.




It makes sense that Seth is crazy enough to trade the Reigning NFL MVP, seeing as he did not start him against me last week.




Ew, gross! Who would want that bumbling mouthbreather on his team?




To the recap!

 

Tauben Time (Josh, 2-1) vs Hyde yo Kids Hyde yo Wife

Speaking of the Monday Night Fiasco, the two PCOG members who were most impacted by it were Josh and Seth. The only PCOG game still in in the air (realistically) was marked by impressive performances by two players, Tradebait McThrowsalot and Jamaal Charles. Earlier in the year I predicted that Josh would find Reid's playcalling infuriating, but boy was I wrong. What other coach would have the stones to call three straight delayed handoffs heading into the half when you are down 3 scores? This guy!




Josh collected the stinkiest garbage time points of the year as Jamaal Charles collected two "comeback" touchdowns in a doomed effort. Josh's most prolific scoring of the week came from a flock of Falcons. Dallas's defense did a remarkable job containing the pair in the first half, as Julio only had 39 yards in the first half. He more than made up for it in the second half however, totaling 164 yards and two touchdowns as ATL hammered Big D into the ground. Julio ended up making Matty Ices's day, as he contributed 121 non-Julio yards to the contest. The player who is leading the Waiver-Wire pickup of the year votes, Dion Lewis (currently the 8th highest scoring RB) also contributed 17.2 FPTS in a blowout of the Jags. But it could have been so much worse. Shirtless Josh believes the old adage that birds of a feather score together. But it doesn't count when those scoring birds remain on their perch on the bench! Devonta Freeman's unprecedented production remained caged. Have fun chasing that production the rest of the year.
Seth had to evade several pitfalls this week: the so-so production from his Washington players (Jordan Reed Good! Matt Jones Bad!) and the late breaking news that his struggling Philly RB DeMarco Murray would be a scratch, the product of a strained hammy and O-Line laser envy




That next RB was Lance Dunbar doing his best Dez impression: 10 catches for 100 yards. But the big production of the week was from Rodgers. 333 PAYDS and 5 touchdowns for 36.9 FPTS. To the vultures peppering Seth with trade offers I say only this: His backup is on a bye this week so he probably won't do the deal until next week.

Final Score: Josh 167.6 (3-0) Seth 148.1 (1-2)

Pocket Dogs (Andy 1-1) vs SpeedRacer (Jonny 2-0)

Jonny entered this week as the highest scoring member of the PCOG, due to the huge production of Gronk, Antonio Brown, and Emmanuel Sanders. It is often said that (even in our format) touchdowns win fantasy games and this week those three just couldn't punch it in the endzone. Cam Newton does not have this problem. 2 passing touchdowns and another rushing score combined with 315 PAYDS and 33 RUYDS add up to 33.2 FPTS. This continues his trend of improving his scoring output every week, and currently has Cam as the fourth highest scoring QB in FF. Not even his huge production could overcome Jonny's terrible RBs (Crowell 6.1 FPTS, and Vereen 3.8 FPTS) or his postgame press conference outfit




Your humble yet brilliant Commissioner does not have an RB problem. Adrian Peterson whipped the Chargers like he wanted to get suspended again: 126 yards and 2 touchdowns for 33.6 FPTS, highlighted by this 43 yard gem.


http://www.gfycat.com/DisloyalThoughtfulBushbaby

My RB game is so good that I can trade one for a QB. That QB helped to dumptruck the 49ers by throwing touchdowns to Cardinals as many times as his opposite number, Colin Kaeperpicksix. Kendall Wright also contributed mightily to the team, helping to overcome the giant squadoosh the #4 TE took on my chest. Tyler Eifert contributed 0 FPTS which is crazy, considering the Red Rifle threw for 383 yards and three touchdowns. None of which went to his second favorite target.




Final Score: [Game of the Week, Winning Margin .8 FPTS] Andy 113.2 (2-1) Jonny 112.4 (2-1)

TRADITION!
No Balls to Deflate (Jordan 0-1) vs מלך שלהמפסידים (Aaron 1-1)

For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, but not when we play each other. That's how the vows went, right? A 50.6 FPT beatdown is nothing that a little marriage counseling can't fix, right? Jordan had a good game from the other half of the Monday Night Garbage time connection, as Alex Smith and Jeremy Maclin put to rest the streak of no WR touchdowns for Kansas City. Frank Gore showed why Indianapolis picked him up from his retirement facility in Miami, and Todd Gurley displayed his top 10 pedigree. None of this matters though as Aaron scored the second most points in PCOG this week. Tom Brady was Tom Brady (24.2FPTS), Randall Cobb seemingly caught 19 pick passes for touchdowns (32.1), Greg Olsen did his best Gronk impersonation (30.4FPTS). Once again Aaron started someone else's handcuff this week out of desperation. Ronnie Hillman had only 7 rushes this week, one of which went for a TD. Even the worst play in NFL history couldn't derail Aaron this week.




Final Score: Aaron 156.2 (2-1) Jordan 105.6 (0-3)

TRADITION!

Sizable Sorostitute (Bryan 1-1) Super Sonic Odells (Tyler 2-0)

This mathcup between two former PCOG Championship contenders illustrated that Fantasy Football is often an exercise in calculated risk. "Who do I start?" "Will game flow allow this player to perform well?" This week, Bryan guessed wrong almost every time. "Surely Matt Forte won't do very well against the Seahawks." About the only thing going for the Division III Chicago Bears is Forte, who will probably be traded before the year is out to an actual professional football team. "Ameer Abdullah will be bottled up by a top 5 D/ST in the Denver Broncos." He rebounded nicely this week. "Mark Ingram will run over, around and through the Carolina Panthers because Luke Kuechly is still out with a concussion." Sorta, he did have a good job this week. Other than that, Bryan crapped out in the PCOG this week, resulting in this sentiment:




Tyler, on the other hand, is hitting his stride. One lineup choice in particular was fortuitous. Chris "When I give a Shit I'm Actually Pretty Good" Johnson
(CJ?K), now of the Arizona Cardinals, contributed 150 total yards and two touchdowns for 35 FPTS in the destruction of the soon to be 4 and 9ers. His return to FF solvency, coupled with DeAndre Hopkins overcoming a midweek concussion en route to 21.1 FPTS were the high points in this massacre.

Chris Johnson, thanking God above he is no longer a Jet or Titan



Final Score: [Winning Margin 53.2 FPTS] Tyler 135.5 (3-0) Bryan 82.3 (1-2)

Biscuits N' Gravy (Graham 0-2) vs Too Hot To Handle (Ben 2-0)

Let's just get the horrible news out of the way. Ben, FNG, is undefeated. Once again a PCOG rookie is tearing a hole in our beloved institution, probably all the way to the playoffs. In other news, here was America's and Graham's reaction to Big Ben's Big BooBoo




There is no guarantee that Graham would have won if Roethlisberger hadn't been carted off, as he only contributed 4.2 FPTS. Marshawn Lynch also was sidelined with a balky hamstring and only racked up 4.2 FPTS. Somehow Graham had 7 slots on his roster contribute 36.8 FPTS. But then the Cin-Bal game happened. Steve Smith is still shockingly good at football. 13 catches for 186 yards and 2 touchdowns resulted in 41.1 FPTS. Here he is with a 50 yard catch and run



Then there is AJ Green. A picture is worth a thousand words




Those two players combined for 85.8 FPTS, which has to be some kind of PCOG record. Of futility. Because Graham lost to Ben. Because Graham has to be hit over the head repeatedly with evidence, like James Jones catches many passes for lots of yards and touchdowns from Aaron Rodgers. Not even Alfred Morris's tenuous grasp on the starting RB position in our nation's capital could torpedo Ben's team this week. Latavius Murray and the newly acquired Joseph Randle posted 62.9 FPTS of RB1 and Flex Appeal this week.

Joseph Randle got all the meat off of the bone in the first half



Final Score: Ben 131 (3-0) Graham 122.6 (1-2)

Broncos or Bust! (Troy 0-2) vs The Cursed One (Jared 0-2)

Something had to give in this meeting of PCOG frittatas.




That thing was the limit on Le'Veon Bell's suspension. In his first NFL action this year he totaled 132 total yards on 26 touches and a rushing touchdown. Keenan Allen continued his on again off again trend, netting 32.3 FPTS on 12 catches, 133 yards and two scores. The cringeworthy part of Jared's team was that for every pick six Kaeperpick threw, it went to Jared's D/ST. The Cardinals racked up a huge 30 pts thanks to 4 picks, 2 sacks, a partridge and a safety.

Jared's best/worst player



Troy is getting trampled by his herd of Broncos. Peyton was OK, Demaryius was alright, and CJ Anderson was bad. If this was 2014 Troy's team would be terrifying. If only he had thrown his top WW pickups into the fray he could have won, but instead Karlos Williams (24FPTS) and Rishard Matthews (28.3) played Clash of Clans on the bench.

Final Score: Jared 125.7 (1-2) Troy 112.8 (0-3)

Week 4 Preview

Tauben Time to lose (Josh 2-1 vs Andy 2-1)

"Jordan, I love your fried chicken and haven't said a word" (Jonny 2-1 vs Jordan 0-3)

Brothers Battle it Out: Seth1-2 vs Aaron 2-1

Roommates Rumble: Bryan 0-3 vs Graham 1-2

The Alpha and the Omega: Tyler 3-1 vs Troy 0-3

Too Hot to Randle (nice) vs The Steelers don't need a QB: Ben 3-0 vs Jared 1-2

The Bye Weeks are about to start, so triple check your lineup and make some trade offers. Stock up on QB/RB because Winter is Coming, and it's gonna be a bitch this year.