Double-Trouble

So, yeah. no article last week becuase life and studying conspired to keep me from writing a 7000 word photoessay about a fake sport where you, dear reader 




already know the outcome and come just for the jokes. It was worth it though, as I got a 97 on the exam. To sum it up, a week of blowouts is recorded as 

Andy 127.4 (3-1) defeats Josh 122.1 (2-2) 
Jordan 144.2 (1-3) crushes Jonny 6.7 (2-2) 
Aaron 124 (3-1) crushes Seth 69.3 (2-2) 
Bryan 122.1 (2-2) crushes Graham 78.1 (1-3) 
Tyler 113.5 (4-0) beats Troy 114.5 (0-4) 
Jared 117.9 (2-2) beats Ben 85.9 (3-1) 

Week 5 Recap 

Pocket Dogs (3-1) vs Gurley Girls (1-3) 
Jordan had a mixed weekend. Saturday began with hope and turned to ash as Nick Chubb, the latest amazing University of Georgia star running back, disintegrated everything that ended in a C and an L in his knee, causing SEC fans across the fruited plane to react thusly when confronted with the replay: 




Since you are a Gurley Girl this year, will you be a Chubby Girl when he comes back from this injury and is drafted into the NFL? I hope he will be fine. But she has another incredible young Bulldog running the rock in the NFL after an awful knee injury: Todd "The Entire St. Louis Offense" Gurley 

25.4 FPTS on 30 carries for 159 yards. In that same game, The Packers D/ST also racked up 22 FPTS because Gurley didn't (foolishly) get the ball on every play. Nick Foles is terrible at football, yielding 4 picks and 3 sacks. Frank Gore continued drinking from the fountain of youth on Thursday night, rushing for 98 yards and a score. Fat Eddy Lacy, Alex Smith and Coby Fleener conspired against her though. BECAUSE THE REIGN OF TERROR CONTINUES UNABATED. WHO NEEDS ADRIAN BEATHISON, I HAVE ARIAN FOSTER DESTROYER OF WORLDS. WHO CARES THAT MY QUARTERBACK ONLY HAD 14 PASSING ATTEMPTS, WHEN THREE OF THEM GO FOR TOUCHDOWNS (INCLUDING ONE TO MY RECENTLY ACQUIRED JOHN "SMOKEY" BROWN THANKS GRAHAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAM) 




SO WHAT IF MY SECOND ROUND PICK IS BAD AT FOOTBALL? ALLEN ROBINSON, SCOOPED OFF OF THE WAIVER WIRE, IS THE 12TH BEST WR IN FPTS PER GAME! HOW DID I KNOW TO PICK HIM UP? BECAUSE I TRUST BLAKE BORTLES? NO, IT IS BECAUSE 




TYLER EIFERT JUST TORCHED CAM CHANCELLOR AGAIN FOR ANOTHER TOUCHDOWN! THIS IS BECAUSE THE BENGALS COACHING STAFF IS JUST LIKE BRYAN IN MADDEN, FIND A PLAY THAT WORKS AND RUN THAT MOFO INTO THE GROUND! 






Final Score: Andy 128.4 (4-1) Jordan 119.2 (1-4) 

Seagram's 7 and Ginger Ale (3-1) vs Tauben Time (3-1) 

Aaron had a serious case of Bye-Week Herpes. He was without a surprisingly good WR in Brandon Marshall and a pretty good #2 RB in Johnathan Stewart. But he figured that the Rodgers-Cobb connection could hold down the fort. 

 

Cobb was blanketed by the Rams, and Rodgers struggled at home for the first time in several years. He did have the foresight to start something called an Antonio Andrews and the Patriots D/ST against the terrible Cowboys. But the Pack Attack's fits and starts torpedoed any chance Aaron had this week. 




Speaking of struggles, it must have been kismet that on Columbus Day Weekend that the Indigenous Peoples of the Potomac Basin, represented by the Washington "Pro"fessional football team, finally got some defense together. Josh wishes that it wasn't the Pass D as his Flying Falcons were stymied time and time again Sunday. Matt Ryan had a putrid 5.4 FPTS and Julio Jones only had 9.2. Devonta Freeman continued his warpath across the gridiron however, earning a nice round number like 38 FPTS. But Josh had some bad luck of his own this weekend. Two of his running backs went down to injury. Justin Forsett had the good manners to not suffer his high ankle sprain until after he had already recorded 32.3 FPTS. Jamaal was not so lucky. The news of a non-contact knee injury to his star RB went sort of like this: 



The good news is that it was not his previously injured knee, and that he has already come back from a debilitating ACL before. The bad news is that he is donezo for the year. Since Ben Evidently has no life, he dropped Jamaal in a callous maneuver that highlights the worst, results oriented nature of football. But he did pick up the KC handcuff in Charcandrick West on Friday, leaving only one question. Do you own a Jamaal Charles voodoo doll? 

Final Score: Josh 158.2 (3-2) Aaron 96.2 (3-2) 
TRADITION! 62FPTS 

Hyde yo kids Hyde yo wife (1-3) vs Turnin Left for 4 hours (2-2) 

Seth got dealt two pair this week in FF. A pair of Patriots who throttled America's Team in the second half (clearly a treasonous performance against the USA) and a pair of hot-or-cold RBS: Demarco Murray almost regained his MVP worthy form from last year against the Aints, garnering 26.5 FPTS on 120 total yards and a score. Carlos Hyde did his best on Sunday Night to keep the 4 and 9ers in the game, contributing 21.5 FPTS. Nobody else really showed up, lowlighted by Owen Daniels's pathetic performance against what should have been a really good matchup against the Raiders. 

 

Jonny started off the week in a pinch. Cam Newton was on a bye, leaving only one option to claw through the week with: Jameis Winston. Unfortunately Winston wasn't playing Boston College this week. He did score a reasonable 15.3 FPTS in what ended up being a semi-entertaining game against Jax, but nothing close to what Cam does on a regular basis. Emmanuel Sanders continues to be the only viable Bronco in FF (besides the D/ST), and Jonny's RB tandem of Crowell and Vereen did strong work this week. Gronk was clearly thrown off by the bye week and did not in fact Gronk all over Dallas (much to Seth's relief). What can Brown do for You? Not much if Vick continues to start at QB for Pitt. Big Ben might play this week, but i wouldn't want his first game action to be against the ferocious Cardinals D after a leg injury. 

Pinch. Claw. Leg. Shoplifting. 



Final Score: Seth 132.2 (2-3) Jonny 99.2 (2-3) 

Baby Bump (2-2) vs Broncos or bust! (0-4) 

Rejoice, brothers and sister! Chalupa Batman Hutton is on the way! 

 

Bryan had another little bundle of joy arrive this week, but it was Antonio Gates returning from his steroids suspension. The PED Posse went to work Monday night, with Gates scoring his 100th and 101st TD as a Charger and Felipe Rios was en fuego against the stunningly competent Steelers D. Matt Forte continued his consistent ways, totaling 109 total yards and a score. That same game ended up killing Bryan's chances this week though. Alex Smith sucks out loud and refuses to throw the ball to Kelce. Speaking of terrible pass catchers, Percy Harvin is terrible and Rueben Randle isn't much better. If one of those three players had a decent game Bryan could have had a chance. 

Philip Rivers does not like gloves 



Troy finally got into the W column, and how sweet it is to beat your friends. Troy's team is awful however. Doug Martin carried him kicking and screaming to the victory, with 158 total yards and three scores resulting in 43.3 FPTS. TJ Yeldon is also competent, which makes him a Creamer All-Star. Peyton Manning is currently leading the Broncos not named Sanders straight to the glue factory. How did you win this game? 




Final Score: Troy 121 (1!!!!!-4) Bryan 114.5 (2-3) 

The Cursed One (2-2) vs Team Trashbag (1-4) 

This season has turned into a switcheroo for these two friends. The command of the good ship SS Dumpsterfire has transferred to Graham, who is doing his best to run that baby aground. 




Graham had the balls to start Jay Cutler against the KC pass rush, even without Alshon or Eddie Royal. Graham's faith was rewarded with 17.6 FPTS, including this beautiful TD pass for the win against the Chefs 

https://streamable.com/2pmu 

Dion Lewis B-buttoned his way through the Dallas D, and Andre Ellington continues to turn limited touches into big plays and big scores. Donte Moncrief and Jared Cook were the anchors of Team Trashbag however, keeping them from escaping the Kraken of defeat. 

Harris is learning to quit worrying and love the Kap. A damn good game in a losing effort against the Giants meant 20.5 FPTS. But the real stars of his team are Le'Veon Bell and Who the Hell is Gary Barnridge?Bell shorted out the Chargers 




and Barnridge burnt down the hapless Ravens. If Jared's WRs put together a good game as a unit Harris has the ability to beat anyone, any week. 

Final Score: Jared 125 (3-2) Graham 98.3 (1-4) 

Too many Dudes to Randle (4-0) vs Too Hot to Randle (3-1) 

Ben has a huge dilemma. Does he start Andrew Luck, QB wunderkind and immensely talented passer, or Andy Dalton, The Red Rifle? Dalton led a giant comeback against Seattle, totaling 3 scores and 331 PAYDS. LeGarrette "Roll a" Blount put the Cowboys away, grinding out 74 RUYDS. The other side of that game had Joseph Randle get 73 total yards as well. Allen Hurns (Who?) continues to catch ducks from Bortles and the aged Larry Fitz continued his scoring streak. Alfred Morris's awful game contributed to a loss, as did Julius Thomas's realization that he is not in Denver anymore. What was he thinking, leaving Den in Free Agency? 




Tyler's tear continues unabated, sprinting out to a 5-0 start on the back of a pair of WRs: ODB and Deandre Hopkins, who is forced to catch half of his receptions from this benched mouth-breather 




Together those two put together 46.6 FPTS. Combined with the resurgent Chris Johnson and Denver's kicker Tyler escaped in the Game of the Week (Winning Margin 5 FPTS) with a victory. 

Final Score: Tyler 103.4 (5-0) Ben 98.4 (3-2) 

Week 6 Preview 

Stannis vs Robert: Who is the Best Baratheon? (Andy 4-1 vs Bryan 2-3) 
Boxer Owners of America (Porkchop 3-2 vs Allie Bear 3-2) 
Roommates Wrestle for Dominance (Ben 3-2 vs Seth 2-3) 
Wideouts vs 3 Wide Racin' (Tyler 5-0 vs Jonny 2-3) 
It's 3:00 AM. Got any more Adderall? (Josh 3-2 vs Graham 1-4) 
Old Sacko, meet the New Sacko (Jordan 1-4 vs Tyler 1-4) 

Dallas is on a bye this week so I am free to watch all of you shit sippers struggle on the App this weekend. I moved to the beach to escape winter weather and got a hurricane for my trouble. Any way you look at it you must remember that Winter is Coming.