Week 9 Recap
Down the stretch we go. Injuries are starting to pile up in the NFL, with dire consequences for PCOG teams left and right. By now your teams should be about set for a run to the playoffs, but between late bye weeks and that damned blue medical tent most teams still need a little help. So scour the waiver wire and keep your app open for the ridiculous, swindling trade offers you are sure to receive for whatever studs you have on your roster. TO THE RECAP!
The Meat Popsicles vs Team Girl
Matthew Stafford is fucking terrible. He sucks so bad, the Vikings D/ST did not actually collect 10 sacks. His suckage overwhelmed the orbital inertia of the various D-Linemen, Linebackers, DBs, coaches and cheerleaders that ended up credited with a sack on the statsheet like a black hole.
I of course deserve such a performance, as I renamed my team to reflect the odorous performance of my team over the past month. Recall, dear reader,
the myriad complaints I wrote about in agonizing detail regarding the misadventures of the Red Rifle/Joker crossover in Andy Dalton. Who would think it could get any worse? Well now that AJ Green's foot has fallen off for the next few weeks, it has. What is my recourse?
BIG DICK NICK! HE WHO REWROTE ALL OF BRETT FAVRE's (farve? farva?) RECORDS AT SOUTHERN MISS! THE MAN WHO DID NOT SUCCEED BECAUSE HE PLAYED THE OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA HIGH SCHOOL 4A THIRD PLACE RAIDERS, BUT BECAUSE HE IS ALL THAT IS MAN. My QB situation is so bleak I can only hope for this Shyamylan level plot twist to salvage it. Melvin Gordon is awesome, Dalvin Cook recovered from his soft-tissue issues on my bench, and I'm staring down the barrel of missing out on the playoffs. FML.
Aaron also had a Vikings related QB dud, in that Kirk Cousins finally remembered that he is merely mortal and drug Adam Thielen down with him. But when the Lions turn the ball over repeatedly, and give the Vikings run game short fields and golden opportunities, passing isn't required. Tevin Coleman woke up, in a terrible
matchup, to jump-start the Falcon's offense after a bye week. Alvin Kamara seemingly averages one score per every three touches. Aaron Jones has the main running role locked up for GB. Edelman has recovered from a knee surgery and PED withdrawals and is the PPR target to have in New England.
Final Score: Aaron 123.5 (6-3) Andy 103.1 (5-4)
Breasseale and Packer vs Something Clever
Jared's Crimson Tide Alumni Group lent all of their energy and talent to ye old alma mater this week, as he had marginal production otherwise. Gurley had a down game and only scored 20.2 FPTS in what was probably the game of the year in NOLA. Cordarrelle Patterson had been given RB eligibility by ESPN, as evidenced by his new usage for Brady and the Pats. Calvin Ridley only catches about half of what he should, but also scored another garbage time TD against Washington. Mark Ingram was robbed by Sean Payton on the goal line, Sammy Watkins has begun his annual mid-foot sprain recovery cycle, and Derek Carr played like he too wants to be traded out of Oakland.
S+T had such a terrible case of bye week herpes this week that Fantasy Valtrex's NYSE value jumped up 17%. This breakout not only claimed OBJ and Zach Ertz, two of their best players, but it also kept them from starting a kicker. One would think that between the two of you one of the innumerable special teamers on the waiver wire could have been thrown in, but no. I guess it is only keeping in tradition that the Dialtone had to make another appearance. Get it together guys. James White continues to produce in Sony Michel's absence, Nick Chubb is getting plays called for him despite the score, and Matt Ryan is on a better pace than his 2016 MVP campaign.
Final Score: S+T 106.6 (6-3) Jared 90.3 (5-4)
Evil Tyler's Lobos vs Fighting? off The Sacko
ET should pack up his team and go home. Jared Goff put up 33.1 FPTs in a shootout game against the Saints. I guess that's what he can do when Gurley does not score 2083470 touchdowns a game. Cooper Kupp came back from a several week injury period to catch a pretty long TD from Goff to get the LAms back into that game. Christian McCaffery has realized over the last two weeks that he, as a RB, can actually score on the ground. 34.5 FPTs paced the squad for the week. Travis Kelce caught two scores and had 99 yards, a Gronkian performance. Somehow the Miami Dolphins D/ST scored 25FPTs against the Jets. 4 picks, 4 sacks and a pick-six certainly helps. Kenny Golladay is a lost cause with the slappy signal caller he relies on to get him the ball, you should probably drop him to get that stank off your team.
Bryan asked for some FitzMagic, and received it. He earned 23.8FPTs, mostly in the second half against Carolina (pronounced "garbage-time") in one laugher of a game. Zeke can only be contained by the idiot morons in Big D. He had 99 total yards in the first half, only to see the ball six (6) times in the second half. I hate the Clapper, Jerry Jones, the entire Jones family, and myself for rooting for the Cowboys. At least Oakland will have a nice, early draft pick from us next April. Brandin Cooks is evidently 6'19" in practice, because during games Goff lobs him 50/50 balls non-stop. He did collect 21.4 FPTS against the Saints though. Alas, it wasn't enough to make this a close contest.
Final Score: ET 166.4 (5-4) Bryan 87.4 (3-6)
Salmon Pan vs TB4U+ME2
JULIO JONES SCORED A TOUCHDOWN! IN A REGULATION GAME! FOR REALSIES! I guess this is just a lesson for Kia, who was patient for 8 long weeks without her first round pick ever finding paydirt.
His 22.6, along with DeAndre Hopkins' 22.5 is outstanding production for a WR combo. That is about the only thing of note for Troy though. Russell Wilson played amazingly against the Bolts but did not have much FF production. Doug Martin was the only Raider to play with any sense of pride against SF. Chris Carson got hurt again, and Ed Dickson might as well have. Troy has been incredibly lucky in his matchups. In his 5 game win streak, opponents have scored more than 120 FPTS exactly none times. Rename your team from Salmon Pan to Lucky Charms now!
Johnny is straight up stuck. Aaron Rodgers is on pace for the most yards and attempts in his storied career, yet throws very few touchdowns. Antonio Brown and Emmanuel Sanders are inconsistent at best, never going off on the same day. Jamaal Williams has an Aaron Jones problem and Jacquizz Rodgers has a Tampa problem. Paul Richardson is out for the year, and wasn't all that good when he was healthy. Welcome back to PCOG bud!
Final Score: Troy 98.6 (5-4) Opponent > 120 x 5 (3-6)
Porkchop Please Help vs Don't Fournette About Me
https://streamable.com/xw3bi
Jeremy's faith and patience in Jordan Howard continues to pay off. Instead of shipping him off for peanuts after a few weeks of mediocre stats and maddening usage, he kept the faith and has been rewarded with the most valuable of FF commodities: a starting caliber RB. Unfortunately the rest of his team is terrible. You should probably trade one of your good QB's for a startable piece.
Final Score: Kia - Julio 111.5 (3-6) Jeremy 91.1 (4-5)
Chalupa Batman vs Big Ried 1
Eric's Chiefs are refuckingdiculous. 71.2 FPTS, or 91.51670951156812% of Johnny's total week, in two players is a nigh insurmountable advantage. This week's victim was Jordan. Due to the kindness of her heart and the incredible ass-beating Eric layed upon her, I'm sure the about to arrive CB will never, ever be spanked. The echoes of this game will ring so loudly that the Brazils will never, ever use corporal punishment on their offspring. That does not eliminate Spartan Life ™ as a corrective measure though.
Final Score: Eric 157.4 (6-3) Jordan 87.7 (3-6)
Young Bloodz vs TaubenTime 4.0
It has been alleged that Graham is nothing without Saquon Barkley. Michael Thomas and his Joe Horn act
https://streamable.com/xrc52
was awesome. The 72 yard TD grab put both Graham and the Saints over the top this week.
Josh had a pretty good day himself: Cam Newton and the Panthers are playing out of their mind, Latavius Murray used his last startable week admirably, the Seahawks repeatedly decided to not cover Keenan Allen and Derrick Henry beached himself on the goal line to score against Dallas. Had you started the Vikings D/ST (who you violently hate) you would have emerged victorious.
Final Score: Graham 120.2 (6-3) Josh 110.4 (3-6)
Week 10 Preview
Andy vs Jordan
Bryan vs S+T
Jonny vs ET
Jeremy vs Troy
Eric vs Kia
Josh vs Aaron
Jared vs Graham
Utilizing playoffcomputer.com, I have calculated the championship bracket percentages as they stand now.
The Meat Popsicles (5-4-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 65%.
Team Girl (6-3-0)...... Wildcard odds: Clinch 90%.
Breasseale+Packer (6-3-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 90%.
Porkchop Please Help (3-6-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 5%.
TaubenTime 4.0(3-6-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 5%.
Chalupa Batman (3-6-0)..... Wildcard odds: Clinch 5%.
Fighting off The Sacko (3-6-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 5%.
Something Clever (5-4-0)..... Wildcard odds: Clinch 65%.
Don't Fournette About Me (4-5-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 28%.
Evil Tyler (5-4-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 65%.
Young Bloodz (6-3-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 91%.
Salmon Pan (5-4-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 65%.
This buds 4 you and I'll take 2 (3-6-0)..... Wildcard odds: Clinch 5%.
Big Ried 1 (6-3-0)...... Wildcard odds: Clinch 91%.
Probability and percentage is one thing, reality is another. No one is eliminated yet. Keep chasing the elusive hope that one day you will be rewarded with a championship, and for God's sake field a full starting roster.
The Meat Popsicles vs Team Girl
Matthew Stafford is fucking terrible. He sucks so bad, the Vikings D/ST did not actually collect 10 sacks. His suckage overwhelmed the orbital inertia of the various D-Linemen, Linebackers, DBs, coaches and cheerleaders that ended up credited with a sack on the statsheet like a black hole.
I of course deserve such a performance, as I renamed my team to reflect the odorous performance of my team over the past month. Recall, dear reader,
the myriad complaints I wrote about in agonizing detail regarding the misadventures of the Red Rifle/Joker crossover in Andy Dalton. Who would think it could get any worse? Well now that AJ Green's foot has fallen off for the next few weeks, it has. What is my recourse?
BIG DICK NICK! HE WHO REWROTE ALL OF BRETT FAVRE's (farve? farva?) RECORDS AT SOUTHERN MISS! THE MAN WHO DID NOT SUCCEED BECAUSE HE PLAYED THE OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA HIGH SCHOOL 4A THIRD PLACE RAIDERS, BUT BECAUSE HE IS ALL THAT IS MAN. My QB situation is so bleak I can only hope for this Shyamylan level plot twist to salvage it. Melvin Gordon is awesome, Dalvin Cook recovered from his soft-tissue issues on my bench, and I'm staring down the barrel of missing out on the playoffs. FML.
Aaron also had a Vikings related QB dud, in that Kirk Cousins finally remembered that he is merely mortal and drug Adam Thielen down with him. But when the Lions turn the ball over repeatedly, and give the Vikings run game short fields and golden opportunities, passing isn't required. Tevin Coleman woke up, in a terrible
matchup, to jump-start the Falcon's offense after a bye week. Alvin Kamara seemingly averages one score per every three touches. Aaron Jones has the main running role locked up for GB. Edelman has recovered from a knee surgery and PED withdrawals and is the PPR target to have in New England.
Final Score: Aaron 123.5 (6-3) Andy 103.1 (5-4)
Breasseale and Packer vs Something Clever
Jared's Crimson Tide Alumni Group lent all of their energy and talent to ye old alma mater this week, as he had marginal production otherwise. Gurley had a down game and only scored 20.2 FPTS in what was probably the game of the year in NOLA. Cordarrelle Patterson had been given RB eligibility by ESPN, as evidenced by his new usage for Brady and the Pats. Calvin Ridley only catches about half of what he should, but also scored another garbage time TD against Washington. Mark Ingram was robbed by Sean Payton on the goal line, Sammy Watkins has begun his annual mid-foot sprain recovery cycle, and Derek Carr played like he too wants to be traded out of Oakland.
S+T had such a terrible case of bye week herpes this week that Fantasy Valtrex's NYSE value jumped up 17%. This breakout not only claimed OBJ and Zach Ertz, two of their best players, but it also kept them from starting a kicker. One would think that between the two of you one of the innumerable special teamers on the waiver wire could have been thrown in, but no. I guess it is only keeping in tradition that the Dialtone had to make another appearance. Get it together guys. James White continues to produce in Sony Michel's absence, Nick Chubb is getting plays called for him despite the score, and Matt Ryan is on a better pace than his 2016 MVP campaign.
Final Score: S+T 106.6 (6-3) Jared 90.3 (5-4)
Evil Tyler's Lobos vs Fighting? off The Sacko
ET should pack up his team and go home. Jared Goff put up 33.1 FPTs in a shootout game against the Saints. I guess that's what he can do when Gurley does not score 2083470 touchdowns a game. Cooper Kupp came back from a several week injury period to catch a pretty long TD from Goff to get the LAms back into that game. Christian McCaffery has realized over the last two weeks that he, as a RB, can actually score on the ground. 34.5 FPTs paced the squad for the week. Travis Kelce caught two scores and had 99 yards, a Gronkian performance. Somehow the Miami Dolphins D/ST scored 25FPTs against the Jets. 4 picks, 4 sacks and a pick-six certainly helps. Kenny Golladay is a lost cause with the slappy signal caller he relies on to get him the ball, you should probably drop him to get that stank off your team.
Bryan asked for some FitzMagic, and received it. He earned 23.8FPTs, mostly in the second half against Carolina (pronounced "garbage-time") in one laugher of a game. Zeke can only be contained by the idiot morons in Big D. He had 99 total yards in the first half, only to see the ball six (6) times in the second half. I hate the Clapper, Jerry Jones, the entire Jones family, and myself for rooting for the Cowboys. At least Oakland will have a nice, early draft pick from us next April. Brandin Cooks is evidently 6'19" in practice, because during games Goff lobs him 50/50 balls non-stop. He did collect 21.4 FPTS against the Saints though. Alas, it wasn't enough to make this a close contest.
Final Score: ET 166.4 (5-4) Bryan 87.4 (3-6)
Salmon Pan vs TB4U+ME2
JULIO JONES SCORED A TOUCHDOWN! IN A REGULATION GAME! FOR REALSIES! I guess this is just a lesson for Kia, who was patient for 8 long weeks without her first round pick ever finding paydirt.
His 22.6, along with DeAndre Hopkins' 22.5 is outstanding production for a WR combo. That is about the only thing of note for Troy though. Russell Wilson played amazingly against the Bolts but did not have much FF production. Doug Martin was the only Raider to play with any sense of pride against SF. Chris Carson got hurt again, and Ed Dickson might as well have. Troy has been incredibly lucky in his matchups. In his 5 game win streak, opponents have scored more than 120 FPTS exactly none times. Rename your team from Salmon Pan to Lucky Charms now!
Johnny is straight up stuck. Aaron Rodgers is on pace for the most yards and attempts in his storied career, yet throws very few touchdowns. Antonio Brown and Emmanuel Sanders are inconsistent at best, never going off on the same day. Jamaal Williams has an Aaron Jones problem and Jacquizz Rodgers has a Tampa problem. Paul Richardson is out for the year, and wasn't all that good when he was healthy. Welcome back to PCOG bud!
Final Score: Troy 98.6 (5-4) Opponent > 120 x 5 (3-6)
Porkchop Please Help vs Don't Fournette About Me
https://streamable.com/xw3bi
Jeremy's faith and patience in Jordan Howard continues to pay off. Instead of shipping him off for peanuts after a few weeks of mediocre stats and maddening usage, he kept the faith and has been rewarded with the most valuable of FF commodities: a starting caliber RB. Unfortunately the rest of his team is terrible. You should probably trade one of your good QB's for a startable piece.
Final Score: Kia - Julio 111.5 (3-6) Jeremy 91.1 (4-5)
Chalupa Batman vs Big Ried 1
Eric's Chiefs are refuckingdiculous. 71.2 FPTS, or 91.51670951156812% of Johnny's total week, in two players is a nigh insurmountable advantage. This week's victim was Jordan. Due to the kindness of her heart and the incredible ass-beating Eric layed upon her, I'm sure the about to arrive CB will never, ever be spanked. The echoes of this game will ring so loudly that the Brazils will never, ever use corporal punishment on their offspring. That does not eliminate Spartan Life ™ as a corrective measure though.
Final Score: Eric 157.4 (6-3) Jordan 87.7 (3-6)
Young Bloodz vs TaubenTime 4.0
It has been alleged that Graham is nothing without Saquon Barkley. Michael Thomas and his Joe Horn act
https://streamable.com/xrc52
was awesome. The 72 yard TD grab put both Graham and the Saints over the top this week.
Josh had a pretty good day himself: Cam Newton and the Panthers are playing out of their mind, Latavius Murray used his last startable week admirably, the Seahawks repeatedly decided to not cover Keenan Allen and Derrick Henry beached himself on the goal line to score against Dallas. Had you started the Vikings D/ST (who you violently hate) you would have emerged victorious.
Final Score: Graham 120.2 (6-3) Josh 110.4 (3-6)
Week 10 Preview
Andy vs Jordan
Bryan vs S+T
Jonny vs ET
Jeremy vs Troy
Eric vs Kia
Josh vs Aaron
Jared vs Graham
Utilizing playoffcomputer.com, I have calculated the championship bracket percentages as they stand now.
The Meat Popsicles (5-4-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 65%.
Team Girl (6-3-0)...... Wildcard odds: Clinch 90%.
Breasseale+Packer (6-3-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 90%.
Porkchop Please Help (3-6-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 5%.
TaubenTime 4.0(3-6-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 5%.
Chalupa Batman (3-6-0)..... Wildcard odds: Clinch 5%.
Fighting off The Sacko (3-6-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 5%.
Something Clever (5-4-0)..... Wildcard odds: Clinch 65%.
Don't Fournette About Me (4-5-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 28%.
Evil Tyler (5-4-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 65%.
Young Bloodz (6-3-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 91%.
Salmon Pan (5-4-0).... Wildcard odds: Clinch 65%.
This buds 4 you and I'll take 2 (3-6-0)..... Wildcard odds: Clinch 5%.
Big Ried 1 (6-3-0)...... Wildcard odds: Clinch 91%.
Probability and percentage is one thing, reality is another. No one is eliminated yet. Keep chasing the elusive hope that one day you will be rewarded with a championship, and for God's sake field a full starting roster.
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