Tuesday, October 27, 2015

It's all downhill from here








Week 7 marks the official midpoint of the PCOG season. Weeks 14-16 constitute the playoffs, with the division winners earning a bye in 14 and the championship game in week 16. All 6 playoff slots are wide open, as there is a startling amount of parity in the 2015 PCOG. The parity will be sorted out (for playoff slots) by overall record, with the tiebreaker being points for. Two teams are atop their respective divisions at 6-1 (Andy and Tyler), Josh is second in the Coastal division at 5-2, 2 teams are at 4-3 (Harris in second place in the Mountain Division and Seth in 3rd in the Coastal). 4 teams are at 3-4 and scrapping for a post-season slot (Aaron, Jonny, Bryan and Ben). Jordan and Graham are treading water at 2-5 and Troy is clearly not listening to Kia, on a collision course with the pair of jingling balls on the Sacko Trophy. It may not be time to panic but it is definitely time to start making moves for those still in contention.

Week 7 Recap

Tauben Time vs Super Sonic Dudes

This game pitted two of the ascendant teams in the PCOG, with newcomer Shirtless Josh squaring off against 2014 runner-up Tyler. Tyler has a stacked team, rolling out a triplet of young WRS who receive multiple targets a game. This week they proved inadequate to Josh's challenge though. OBJ ( clearly the inferior of his two nicknames, but the one that works with this image)




once again pooped his big boy pants against Big D. He only earned 4 fluttering ducks from Eli (now the Good Manning) and 35 yards, breaking a two game streak of at least 15 FPTS. The Dolphins proved that DeAndre Hopkins is indeed human, containing the #1 Fantasy WR of the 2015 season. One would think that the epic blowout the 'Phins put on the hapless Houston Texans would lead to lots of garbage time for Hopkins, but he could only corral 6 catches for 50 yards. Martavis Bryant could not recreate the magic from last week, but he did get a nice over the shoulder touchdown to save his fantasy day.

 

Ladarius Green did get a garbage time TD in the Charger's ass beating by Oakland, and the Bills D/ST contributed a pick six Sunday morning in London. None of this was enough to top Josh. He continues to ride the Freeman train. Devonta slacked off this week, contributing his third straight 100+ yard game in a row. But no TD!!! What a bum. You should cut him loose Josh. Charcandrick West rewarded Josh's patience, contributing 27.4 FPTS after the stinker last week. The big surprise (Only if you had never had the pleasure of watching Matt Cassell line up for your favorite team) was the 21 big FPTS the Giants D/ST put up. Two scores, three picks, a fumble and a sack added up to more than twice the best score that unit has put up all year. I Hate Matt Cassell.

Final Score: Josh 139 (5-2) Tyler 101.4

Where Art (Rooney III) Thou Roethlisberger vs Too Hot To Randle

Ben is in the midst of quite the FF tailspin

 

After starting the year on a 3-0 tear, he is currently preparing a boarding party of the SS Dumpsterfire. 0-4 means that October was not a good month.




The poor showing of Julius Thomas (.9FPTS) and Legarrette Blount (.4FPTS) certainly did not help, but Ben's best chance evaporated like Joseph Randle's pain tolerance. Randle left the game, never to return against the Giants with back spasms after two (2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) carries for 24 yards. Larry Fitz spent more time as a lead blocker than he did catching the ball against Baltimore's horrific pass D Monday night. Those four poor performers, in conjunction with Nick Novak (1FPT) and the Steelers D/ST (5FPTS) undid all of the good Andrew Luck had in the comeback attempt against the Saints. Latavius Murray remains curiously underused by the Raiders, who were up 37-6 against San Diego. One would think that this would be a good time to use a bruising RB to grind the clock out against a porous defense, but Jack DelRio is not a thinking man's coach

DelRio, sweating with the effort of thinking



Jonny is a fucking witch. How could he know that Lamar Miller, an undersized and under utilized RB on a reeling team, would possibly be worth acquiring? Granted that there is a trail of evidence 64539 miles long that players Graham trades away will immediately go the hell off, but 51.6 FPTS? On 17 touches? This one went for 54 yards!

 

As if this wasn't enough, Jonny also has Gronk. Who Gronked his way to a Pats win thanks to the Jets forgetting to defend him for his score. His day ended with 23.3 FPTS. The Steelers offense rediscovered Antonio Brown, who garnered 17.3 FPTS after 6 catches for 124 yards. These three alleviated the poor showing by Isaiah Crowell and the negative output by Washington's D/ST.

Final Score: Jonny 130.5 (3-4) Ben 75.6 (3-4)
TRADITION!! 54.9FPTS


Hyde Yo Kids Hyde Yo Wife vs Total Crapshoot

Lucky for Seth, the Pats are completely gameplan driven. The Jet's amazing defensive line makes it very difficult to run on, so Brady dropped back to pass 54 times on Sunday. His day would have been way better if his receivers hadn't dropped 11 passes. The refs also did him no favors, overturning a clear TD by his Gronkness. Brady did't sweat it though, as he contributed a rushing touchdown on that same drive. Amari Cooper continued his Rookie of the Year campaign with this beautiful catch and run against the Chargers best DB Jason Verret




25.8 fantasy points marked the high point for this young phenom. His team's namesake did very little Thursday night though. Hyde scraped together 6.8 FPTS against a tough Seattle D/ST. That same group also works for Seth, adding 13 points onto his total.

Seattle's D/ST turned Tattooed Gonzo back into a pumpkin. Colin Kaepernick did not turn the ball over, but he did not contribute any rushing yards and only 124 passing yards in a rout against their hated division rivals. Le'Veon Bell put together 22 FPTS against a tough KC D/ST, but the real star of Jared's squad was Danny Woodhead. He seemingly caught every sidearmed throw from Sr. Rios in a furious comeback attempt in the Black Hole. At least it seemed like an Oakland home game, after all of the SD fans left in the first half when the Raiders were throttling Los Chargers. Woodhead had 26 rushing yards, but the real meat of his scoring came through the air. 11 catches for 75 yards and 2 TDS added up to 28.9 FPTS. Gary Barnridge added to his 100+ yard streak and Calvin Johnson caught a 47 yard pass in the first quarter. After that Stafford mysteriously forgot about him until the game was no longer in doubt.

Megatron getting ready to puke at his usage



Final Score: Seth 133.2 (4-3) Jared 116.4 (4-3)

Stannis's Fiery Hearts Club vs Broncos and Busted!!

Troy was down at the beach this weekend, celebrating the first half of his Bachelor's Bacchanalia. We met up with several buddies, ate way too much seafood at Capt. George's, and drank a couple beers. As I was leaving, he looked into my soul and asked for mercy. HE WAS DENIED. HIS POOR SUPPLICATION ATTEMPT WAS QUASHED BY MY MIGHTY FANTASY FOOTBALL FORCE! THE RECENTLY ACQUIRED MIKE EVANS RETURNED TO FANTASY RELEVANCE, TORCHING THE PUNY OPPONENTS FOR 28.4FPTS ON 8!! CATCHES FOR 164 YARDS AND A SCORE! ADRIAN PETERSON WAS MOSTLY CONTAINED UNTIL THIS 75 YARD TEAR ACROSS THE HEART OF THE LIONS DEFENSE




LOOK AT THE DETERMINATION IN HIS EYES!! HE CANNOT BE DENIED! ARIAN FOSTER WAS INCREDIBLE BEFORE HIS ACHILLES EXPLODED LIKE A SEAGULL FULL OF ANTACID! THE SMOKING WRECK OF THE TEXANS SEASON WILL SERVE AS HIS VIKING FUNERAL! 31.5 FPTS, ALL IN GARBAGE TIME, WILL BE REMEMBERED FOR HIS HEROISM IN THE FACE OF HOUSTON'S INEPTITUDE! SMOKEY BROWN AND KENDALL WRIGHT HAD NEAR IDENTICAL STAT LINES, AND CARSON PALMER IS THE ACQUISITION OF THE YEAR! LOOK AT THE UPCOMING SCHEDULE AND TREMBLE, BECAUSE




Troy had no chance against my might but his RBs performed nicely. 50.3 combined points is nothing to laugh at UNLESS YOU ARE THE STALLION THAT MOUNTS THE WORLD!

Final Score: Andy 148.8 (6-1) Troy 107.3 (1-6)

My Body too Gurleylicious vs Team Trashbag

Did I suggest that Amari Cooper would win Rookie of the Year? Clearly I forgot about the incredible force that is Todd Gurley. 3 straight games of 125+ rushing yards and his first career touchdowns made Gurley Jordan's MVP this week. TY Hilton only caught 4 balls, but two of them went for long touchdowns and 150 receiving yards for 24 points. Chris Ivory fought through a quad injury to contribute a score through the air and little else.

It takes more than a Brown to tackle Todd Gurley



Jordan ran into a buzzsaw this week though

 

Graham exploded for 171.7 FPTS, most of this on the backs of his Dolphins. Ryan Tannehill, recently plucked from the WW, completed 18 of 19 for 282 yards and 4 touchdowns. 247 of his yards came after the catch, which is amazing. Marshawn Lynch got back into BeastMode against the 49ers, scoring 27 FPTS during a 100+ yard day. If I had known that Landry would contribute 26.6 FPTS, I would have traded him straight up for AJ Green, not throwing Alen Robinson and his 18.8 FPTS in with the bargain. Johnathan Stewart had another great rushing day against another tough D, averaging better than 5 yards a carry. Graham needs to win basically every remaining game to make the playoffs, and this is one hell of a start on that road.

Final Score: Graham 171.7 (2-5) Jordan 126.3 (2-5)

Seagram's 7 and Ginger Ale vs Thick Bitch

Aaron was struck down by a terminal case of bye week herpes. 5 players out, with only the dregs to replace them. Only Michael Crabtree had a good game for Aaron, yielding 15.3 FPTS. Terrance Williams is barely usable without Romo, Andre Ellington is third in line for RB touches in Tempe, Sam Bradford is about to lose his job to the ButtFumble




and Brandon Marshall should have caught a TD to beat the Pats at home. Dr. Ian Malcom, mathemitician and Chaos Theory specialist, summed up Aaron's day like this:




Bryan rolled out a pair of big ballers this weekend. Mark Ingram continued to make Drew Brees an afterthought with 143 yards and score, resulting in 27.3 FPTS. Felipe Rios has thrown multiple TDs every week but one, and has yet to throw for less than 240 yards. This week was a bad result for his NFL team but a good scoring opportunity for Bryan's. He has another good chance to light up the scoreboard next week against the terrible Ravens.

Who needs a Passing Game?



Week 8 Preview

WRs come home to Roost (Andy 6-1 vs Graham 2-5)
Brazil Battle 2: Electric Bugaloo (Bryan 3-4 vs Seth 4-3)
Racin or Football? Sunday's Best Pasttime (Jared 4-3 vs Jonny 3-4)
FNG's Fight It Out (Ben 3-4 vs Josh 5-2)
Family Feud: Siblings Face Off (Tyler 6-1 vs Jordan 2-5)
Pack Attack vs Denver Donkeys on Sunday Night Football! (Aaron 3-4 vs Troy 1-6)

The last London game is this weekend, and once again it starts at 930. So get your lineups in early if you have any Lions or Chiefs. It is nice and balmy at the beach, but I am sure the rest of you are freezing your collective nuts off. Stock up on firewood and RBs because Winter is Coming

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

What is Best in Life?

 

Why do we play Fantasy Football? To share in a friendly competition between family and friends, sharing good sportsmanship? No. To have something to talk about during the week, and during the black times without football? Nope. We play FF in order to establish our own personal supremacy over those we love and care for, taking every opportunity to rub it in and revel in sweet victory. With that understood, RECAP!

Week 6

Stannis's Fiery Hearts Club vs Hefty Hutton


My brother and I are somewhat different people. He is outgoing, jovial and lots of fun to be around. AND I BURN PEOPLE TO DEATH! 3 PLAYERS WITH OVER 20 FPTS SCORED! THE COURAGE TO THROW A FAT, UNDERACHIEVING CHICAGO WR INTO THE LINEUP WITH ZERO F's GIVEN (Alshon Jeffery, 25.7 FPTS on 8 catches for 147 YDS and a Score!) 112 TOTAL YARDS AND A SCORE FROM A PLAYER RELYING ON BRIAN HOYER TO KEEP THE DEFENSE HONEST! JOHN BROWN CONTINUING TO GIVE GRAHAM HEARTBURN AS HE RACKS UP POINTS FOR YOURS TRULY! I HOPE EVERYONE IS TAKING NOTES BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU ESTABLISH DOMINANCE WITHIN A FAMILY OF FOOTBALL FANS!




Bryan had a great game himself, and certainly made me sweat it out from approx. 430 Sunday afternoon all the way through the Monday Night contest. Felipe Riosset Chargers single game records for attempts, completions, and yards. He also set an NFL record for most yards without a pick in a losing effort. Matt Forte took advantage of overtime to stack up some serious scoring, and Mark Ingram continued the yearly ritual of gaining giant stats against me. It ended up coming down to Rueben Randle and Donte Moncrief. They were not enough for the win, but enough for me to worry about having all the shit talk from the previous 72 hours coming home to roost. All in all, there is only one question: How many points did Bryan score?






Final Score: Andy 144.5 (5-1) Bryan 134.6 (2-4)

The Cursed? One vs Seagram's 7 and Ginger Ale

Our reigning champion, A-A-Ron, has recently hitched his fortunes via trade to the green and yellow right arm of A-A-Ron Rodgers. This would seem to be a winning formula, but a mediocre (for him) effort for the cheddar slinger was disastrous Sunday. Rodgers was only OK, garnering 18.6 FPTS on 255 PAYDS and 2 scores. But his supporting cast contributed very little to the match, as Randall Cobb and Richard Rodgers could only scratch together 9.2 combined FPTS. Ronnie Hillman had a nice 20 FPTS and Giovanni Bernard contributed 15.8 on only 9 touches. Brandon Marshall made one of the better catches of the week en route to this score against the 'Skins.

 

Jared "allegedly" was at National Guard training all weekend, leaving no time to tinker/stinker before his tilt against the Groom. His team made up for it however. Colin Kaepernick continued a recent trend of fantasy goodness, contributing 340 PAYDS and 2 scores in a Super Bowl rematch against Baltimore. Le'Veon Bell and Danny Woodhead combined for 25+ FPTS this week, but a certain FF Savant/Prognosticator/Witch wrote last week that " if Jared's WRs put together a good game as a unit Harris has the ability to beat anyone, any week." And boy did they have a position wide good game. Megatron and Keenan Allen combined for 50+ FPTS, with too many highlight reel catches to count on Sunday. He does have some work to do, as Allen left Sunday's game with a hip injury and might not play for a month. Gonzo should help keep him afloat.




Final Score: Jared 137.4 (4-2) Aaron 101.5 (3-3)

Hyde yo Kids Hyde yo Wife vs Too Hot to Randle

Meanwhile, in the Bullpen (my imagined nickname for Seth and Ben's house in Bumblescum, NC)

 

roommates fought over control of the TV and weekly bragging rights. Ben rolled out The Red Rifle against the Bills and LeGarrette Blount against the Colts. Blount continued his roll against the Colts, totaling 104 total yards and 2 combined scores (including his first career receiving TD). Ben's Jags combined for 27.3 FPTS in a losing effort, despite catching fluttering, dying ducks from Blake Bortles (who is somehow the 6th best QB in our scoring system). There is no one culprit to blame this loss on, you just ran into a buzzsaw in Seth this week. Seth's newly acquired QB continued the Get Gronked tour across America, this week landing in Indy just long enough to throw 4 touchdowns (including the bad-luck pick six). DeMarco Murray came back to life in a huge way, helping Philly salt the game away Monday Night against the Giants. 123 total yards and a score made up his best night of the season. Julian Edelman hurt himself catching a fully inflated ball from Brady and was ineffective from the first quarter on. Greg Olsen clearly watched the tape of Tyler Eiefert against Seattle, as this game winning long touchdown was lifted entirely from the Bengal's gameplan last week for Las Panteras

 

23.6 huge FPTS helped contribute to Seth's win and Seattle's woes

Final Score: Seth 146.8 (3-3) Ben 131.5 (3-3)

Super Saiyan Dudes vs Where Art Thou Roethlisberger

Jonny is spinning his wheels waiting for Big Ben to come back and salvage any value Antonio Brown might have. Speaking of restoring value, Lamar Miller and his new head coach had themselves a day against Tennessee. 25.6 FPTS on only 21 touches is what owners were expecting this draft season when he was a consensus 2-3 rounder. Jonny's QB had a pretty good day himself, smashing Seattle for 20 FPTS. Emmanuel Sanders's ability to catch wobbling balloons lofted from the artist formerly known as PFM will be sorely tested as a result of a separated shoulder, but he was able to gobble up 22.9 FPTS before suffering that injury.

Seattle Green was no Kryptonite for Superman this time



Tyler continues his tear across regular season PCOG play, running his record out to 6-0 on the broad back of DeAndre Hopkins. Mr Hopkins has 90 targets thru 6 games and is on pace to crush the NFL record for season targets. But we might have another problem. Martavis Bryant, recently returned from a drug suspension, torched the formerly ferocious Cardinals defense for 137 yards on 6 catches. oh, and this beauty of a run and catch.




I put together no less than 5 trade offers for Bryant, only to delete them before sending them to Tyler. "There is no way he will be as good as he was last year. It must have been a fluke." Great. Grand. Wonderful. The last thing we need is Tyler getting stronger.

Final Score: Tyler 133 (6-0) Jonny (2-4) 

Team Trashbag vs The Garbage Man Cometh

This game started out ugly and never really got close. Thursday night ended with a 67.5 FPT lead for Josh over Graham, as Josh's Falcons soared and Graham's Saints D/ST sputtered to -1 FPTS. For Graham, Steve Smith confirmed his super-human status as he cam back from a 4(!) level fracture to his ribs to snag 137 yards on 7 catches. It could have been so much sweeter though, as Smith dropped two touchdowns. Jay Cutler contributed 21.3 FPTS in an overtime loss to the Lions and Marshawn Lynch rewarded Graham's loyalty by plungin in for a red zone score. Everyone else except for Kelce were terrible for Graham. Graham has downgraded from trashbag to dumpster fire to a row of smoking shitters.




Josh has Devonta Freeman and doesn't really need anything else. 156 total yards on 21 touches and two scores netted 36.9 FPTS. Josh McCown reverting back to his journeyman ways and throwing a pick six to the #1 Denver D/ST doesn't hurt, either. Charcandrick West, the #1 most added player last week across every FF site, contributed nothing to Josh's win.

Josh and Andy Reid react to C-West's day



Final Score: Josh 136.4 (4-2) Graham 91.2 (1-5)

Sacko vs New Sacko

Jordan's tenure as PCOG Sacko has only a few weeks left, and ladies and gentlemen, we have a front runner for the position. Peyton Manning is leading Troy straight to the #1 spot: 1st overall draft pick at next years festivities. 3 straight weeks of sub 15FPT production has put Troy into a tailspin. Plus he was the second best player for Troy this week.

 

Somehow Demaryius Thomas scavenged 17.1 FPTS from his Hall of Fame QB. Writing further about this short bus team does nothing but make me sad.

Speaking of busloads, Eddie Lacy is approaching bus-shaped. He was never the "best-conditioned" RB in the league, and his nagging ankle injury has put some new wear on those tires. Hopefully his upcoming bye-week will allow him to get healthy and back on track towards his preseason hype, where he was the #1 ranked ESPN FF player overall. Jordan does not have to rely on him though as Chris Ivory is a BEAST! 196 total yards on 23 touches with a score against the formerly top 10 rated WAS. rush D/ST. Marvin Jones caught all the balls AJ Green used to catch and TY Hilton found the end zone again after a long absence. Jordan is peaking at a good time and well on the way back to .500

Final Score: Jordan 114.2 (2-4) Troy 92.6 (1-5)

Week 7 Preview

Hearts on Fire vs The Glue Factory (Andy 5-1 vs Troy 1-5)
Brazil battles Best Man (Aaron 3-3 vs Bryan 2-4)
Meatheads Meet (Seth 3-3 vs Jared 4-2)
Medlin Roster vs Roster Meddling (Jonny 2-4 vs Ben 3-3)
Tauben Time to stop the Super Sonic Streak (Josh 4-2 vs Tyler 6-0)
Her body too Bootylicious vs His booty roster (Jordan 2-4 vs Graham 1-5)

Bye Weeks are in full force, so scour the WW, make terrible trade offers (Graham) and remember that the Sunday games start at 930 this week, streamed for free on Yahoo (Buffalo vs Jax). It is officially cold enough to start wearing pants here at the beach so you know that Winter is Coming.

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Double-Trouble






So, yeah. no article last week becuase life and studying conspired to keep me from writing a 7000 word photoessay about a fake sport where you, dear reader 




already know the outcome and come just for the jokes. It was worth it though, as I got a 97 on the exam. To sum it up, a week of blowouts is recorded as 

Andy 127.4 (3-1) defeats Josh 122.1 (2-2) 
Jordan 144.2 (1-3) crushes Jonny 6.7 (2-2) 
Aaron 124 (3-1) crushes Seth 69.3 (2-2) 
Bryan 122.1 (2-2) crushes Graham 78.1 (1-3) 
Tyler 113.5 (4-0) beats Troy 114.5 (0-4) 
Jared 117.9 (2-2) beats Ben 85.9 (3-1) 

Week 5 Recap 

Pocket Dogs (3-1) vs Gurley Girls (1-3) 
Jordan had a mixed weekend. Saturday began with hope and turned to ash as Nick Chubb, the latest amazing University of Georgia star running back, disintegrated everything that ended in a C and an L in his knee, causing SEC fans across the fruited plane to react thusly when confronted with the replay: 




Since you are a Gurley Girl this year, will you be a Chubby Girl when he comes back from this injury and is drafted into the NFL? I hope he will be fine. But she has another incredible young Bulldog running the rock in the NFL after an awful knee injury: Todd "The Entire St. Louis Offense" Gurley 


25.4 FPTS on 30 carries for 159 yards. In that same game, The Packers D/ST also racked up 22 FPTS because Gurley didn't (foolishly) get the ball on every play. Nick Foles is terrible at football, yielding 4 picks and 3 sacks. Frank Gore continued drinking from the fountain of youth on Thursday night, rushing for 98 yards and a score. Fat Eddy Lacy, Alex Smith and Coby Fleener conspired against her though. BECAUSE THE REIGN OF TERROR CONTINUES UNABATED. WHO NEEDS ADRIAN BEATHISON, I HAVE ARIAN FOSTER DESTROYER OF WORLDS. WHO CARES THAT MY QUARTERBACK ONLY HAD 14 PASSING ATTEMPTS, WHEN THREE OF THEM GO FOR TOUCHDOWNS (INCLUDING ONE TO MY RECENTLY ACQUIRED JOHN "SMOKEY" BROWN THANKS GRAHAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAMAM) 




SO WHAT IF MY SECOND ROUND PICK IS BAD AT FOOTBALL? ALLEN ROBINSON, SCOOPED OFF OF THE WAIVER WIRE, IS THE 12TH BEST WR IN FPTS PER GAME! HOW DID I KNOW TO PICK HIM UP? BECAUSE I TRUST BLAKE BORTLES? NO, IT IS BECAUSE 




TYLER EIFERT JUST TORCHED CAM CHANCELLOR AGAIN FOR ANOTHER TOUCHDOWN! THIS IS BECAUSE THE BENGALS COACHING STAFF IS JUST LIKE BRYAN IN MADDEN, FIND A PLAY THAT WORKS AND RUN THAT MOFO INTO THE GROUND! 






Final Score: Andy 128.4 (4-1) Jordan 119.2 (1-4) 

Seagram's 7 and Ginger Ale (3-1) vs Tauben Time (3-1) 

Aaron had a serious case of Bye-Week Herpes. He was without a surprisingly good WR in Brandon Marshall and a pretty good #2 RB in Johnathan Stewart. But he figured that the Rodgers-Cobb connection could hold down the fort. 

 

Cobb was blanketed by the Rams, and Rodgers struggled at home for the first time in several years. He did have the foresight to start something called an Antonio Andrews and the Patriots D/ST against the terrible Cowboys. But the Pack Attack's fits and starts torpedoed any chance Aaron had this week. 




Speaking of struggles, it must have been kismet that on Columbus Day Weekend that the Indigenous Peoples of the Potomac Basin, represented by the Washington "Pro"fessional football team, finally got some defense together. Josh wishes that it wasn't the Pass D as his Flying Falcons were stymied time and time again Sunday. Matt Ryan had a putrid 5.4 FPTS and Julio Jones only had 9.2. Devonta Freeman continued his warpath across the gridiron however, earning a nice round number like 38 FPTS. But Josh had some bad luck of his own this weekend. Two of his running backs went down to injury. Justin Forsett had the good manners to not suffer his high ankle sprain until after he had already recorded 32.3 FPTS. Jamaal was not so lucky. The news of a non-contact knee injury to his star RB went sort of like this: 



The good news is that it was not his previously injured knee, and that he has already come back from a debilitating ACL before. The bad news is that he is donezo for the year. Since Ben Evidently has no life, he dropped Jamaal in a callous maneuver that highlights the worst, results oriented nature of football. But he did pick up the KC handcuff in Charcandrick West on Friday, leaving only one question. Do you own a Jamaal Charles voodoo doll? 

Final Score: Josh 158.2 (3-2) Aaron 96.2 (3-2) 
TRADITION! 62FPTS 

Hyde yo kids Hyde yo wife (1-3) vs Turnin Left for 4 hours (2-2) 

Seth got dealt two pair this week in FF. A pair of Patriots who throttled America's Team in the second half (clearly a treasonous performance against the USA) and a pair of hot-or-cold RBS: Demarco Murray almost regained his MVP worthy form from last year against the Aints, garnering 26.5 FPTS on 120 total yards and a score. Carlos Hyde did his best on Sunday Night to keep the 4 and 9ers in the game, contributing 21.5 FPTS. Nobody else really showed up, lowlighted by Owen Daniels's pathetic performance against what should have been a really good matchup against the Raiders. 

 

Jonny started off the week in a pinch. Cam Newton was on a bye, leaving only one option to claw through the week with: Jameis Winston. Unfortunately Winston wasn't playing Boston College this week. He did score a reasonable 15.3 FPTS in what ended up being a semi-entertaining game against Jax, but nothing close to what Cam does on a regular basis. Emmanuel Sanders continues to be the only viable Bronco in FF (besides the D/ST), and Jonny's RB tandem of Crowell and Vereen did strong work this week. Gronk was clearly thrown off by the bye week and did not in fact Gronk all over Dallas (much to Seth's relief). What can Brown do for You? Not much if Vick continues to start at QB for Pitt. Big Ben might play this week, but i wouldn't want his first game action to be against the ferocious Cardinals D after a leg injury. 

Pinch. Claw. Leg. Shoplifting. 



Final Score: Seth 132.2 (2-3) Jonny 99.2 (2-3) 

Baby Bump (2-2) vs Broncos or bust! (0-4) 

Rejoice, brothers and sister! Chalupa Batman Hutton is on the way! 

 

Bryan had another little bundle of joy arrive this week, but it was Antonio Gates returning from his steroids suspension. The PED Posse went to work Monday night, with Gates scoring his 100th and 101st TD as a Charger and Felipe Rios was en fuego against the stunningly competent Steelers D. Matt Forte continued his consistent ways, totaling 109 total yards and a score. That same game ended up killing Bryan's chances this week though. Alex Smith sucks out loud and refuses to throw the ball to Kelce. Speaking of terrible pass catchers, Percy Harvin is terrible and Rueben Randle isn't much better. If one of those three players had a decent game Bryan could have had a chance. 

Philip Rivers does not like gloves 



Troy finally got into the W column, and how sweet it is to beat your friends. Troy's team is awful however. Doug Martin carried him kicking and screaming to the victory, with 158 total yards and three scores resulting in 43.3 FPTS. TJ Yeldon is also competent, which makes him a Creamer All-Star. Peyton Manning is currently leading the Broncos not named Sanders straight to the glue factory. How did you win this game? 




Final Score: Troy 121 (1!!!!!-4) Bryan 114.5 (2-3) 

The Cursed One (2-2) vs Team Trashbag (1-4) 

This season has turned into a switcheroo for these two friends. The command of the good ship SS Dumpsterfire has transferred to Graham, who is doing his best to run that baby aground. 




Graham had the balls to start Jay Cutler against the KC pass rush, even without Alshon or Eddie Royal. Graham's faith was rewarded with 17.6 FPTS, including this beautiful TD pass for the win against the Chefs 

https://streamable.com/2pmu 

Dion Lewis B-buttoned his way through the Dallas D, and Andre Ellington continues to turn limited touches into big plays and big scores. Donte Moncrief and Jared Cook were the anchors of Team Trashbag however, keeping them from escaping the Kraken of defeat. 

Harris is learning to quit worrying and love the Kap. A damn good game in a losing effort against the Giants meant 20.5 FPTS. But the real stars of his team are Le'Veon Bell and Who the Hell is Gary Barnridge?Bell shorted out the Chargers 




and Barnridge burnt down the hapless Ravens. If Jared's WRs put together a good game as a unit Harris has the ability to beat anyone, any week. 

Final Score: Jared 125 (3-2) Graham 98.3 (1-4) 

Too many Dudes to Randle (4-0) vs Too Hot to Randle (3-1) 

Ben has a huge dilemma. Does he start Andrew Luck, QB wunderkind and immensely talented passer, or Andy Dalton, The Red Rifle? Dalton led a giant comeback against Seattle, totaling 3 scores and 331 PAYDS. LeGarrette "Roll a" Blount put the Cowboys away, grinding out 74 RUYDS. The other side of that game had Joseph Randle get 73 total yards as well. Allen Hurns (Who?) continues to catch ducks from Bortles and the aged Larry Fitz continued his scoring streak. Alfred Morris's awful game contributed to a loss, as did Julius Thomas's realization that he is not in Denver anymore. What was he thinking, leaving Den in Free Agency? 




Tyler's tear continues unabated, sprinting out to a 5-0 start on the back of a pair of WRs: ODB and Deandre Hopkins, who is forced to catch half of his receptions from this benched mouth-breather 




Together those two put together 46.6 FPTS. Combined with the resurgent Chris Johnson and Denver's kicker Tyler escaped in the Game of the Week (Winning Margin 5 FPTS) with a victory. 

Final Score: Tyler 103.4 (5-0) Ben 98.4 (3-2) 

Week 6 Preview 

Stannis vs Robert: Who is the Best Baratheon? (Andy 4-1 vs Bryan 2-3) 
Boxer Owners of America (Porkchop 3-2 vs Allie Bear 3-2) 
Roommates Wrestle for Dominance (Ben 3-2 vs Seth 2-3) 
Wideouts vs 3 Wide Racin' (Tyler 5-0 vs Jonny 2-3) 
It's 3:00 AM. Got any more Adderall? (Josh 3-2 vs Graham 1-4) 
Old Sacko, meet the New Sacko (Jordan 1-4 vs Tyler 1-4) 

Dallas is on a bye this week so I am free to watch all of you shit sippers struggle on the App this weekend. I moved to the beach to escape winter weather and got a hurricane for my trouble. Any way you look at it you must remember that Winter is Coming.